Day 113 - 1.06.2012

Coincidence.

My volunteer (yes I have one now) was next door neighbour's with my Aunt.
My nurse's boss is a friend's husband.
And my cousin is updating the volunteer's electrical work at her home.

Time to move I say!

Day 112 - 31.05.2012

Damn you Target and your one day snap sales!

Damn you 50% off decor plastic containers, 50% off Bonds underwear, 50% off 1000 thread count Egyptian sheet sets.  Go to hell you 40% off baby wear, 45% off shoes and 50% off tracksuits.  You are all so tempting.

Why did I ever sign up to receive the bonus offers sent to my in-box daily?

Oh now I remember.  So I can return the items when they go back to being full price and make a profit.

Day 111 - 30.05.2012

You know it's cold when:

1. You can chew your nutella
2. Your clothes washing is wetter in the morning than when you hung it at night
3. You don't bother to go to the toilet in the middle of the night (an adult nappy will do!)
4. Your goldfish freeze to death in their bowl
5. You make 'snow angels' by lying on frosty grass
6. You will only eat raspberry icy poles once they are melted, as soup
7. You cuddle the baby at night for extra warmth
8. You consider entering a polygamous relationship for extra warmth at night
9. You light every globe in the house to give a sense of warmth
10. You develop arthritis in your hands from hand washing your delicates in cold water

Day 110 - 29.05.2012

Plants are the new pets.  There are super foods for them (forget the 1970's blood and bone, these days they eat golden pellets of protein) and a countless number of books dedicated to their nurture.  

I have one friend that waters her rose bushes with Evian water.  Tap water is just not good enough.  This same person also uses a leaf shine every four weeks, to make sure her bromeliads sparkle.  And don't think about going around there with a cold. You'll be turned away in case the fern obtains an infection.

What worries me about plant companionship is that avid owners like to give away their produce.  I have an Aunt that likes nothing more than to give me cuttings of her latest Carnation breed. What I do like is when this gift arrives during the fortnight when the green waste bin hits the kerb.  If I have to wait the whole two weeks before I can throw the greenery away, I get too guilty, keep it, and inadvertently starve it to death. I just forget to water it.  

Even though it's staring straight at me on the kitchen counter.  

Every morning.  

And I have not spent one night away from home in over a year.

Unfortunately plants are the new Christmas day gifts.  Puppies and kittens have long ceased to jump out of big-ribboned boxes.  I blame the RSPCA and their animal cruelty campaigns for the increase in plant gifts.  But who in their right mind gives someone a potted Elm Tree?  Luckily garage sales are popular in my suburb. I generally sneak by one on a Saturday morning and dump my unwanted flora in the back of an unattended trailer. 

But I hear that there is worse to come.  I read in the local paper that there are plans for a Pot Plant Day Care Centre. Apparently over-eager owners simply can't bear to leave their miniature citrus trees outdoors over winter.  They must have run out of carer's leave.

Day 109 - 28.05.2012

I'm onto my third physiotherapist.  They are like General Practitioners.  You can stick with one, but why when there are so many to try?  That would be the equivalent of me going to an all you can eat smorgasbord and only having the hokkien noodles.  In life I want the chocolate mousse and a mini bread roll too please!

The new physio asked me today if CupCake looked like her father, as she was so cute. I tried not to take offence.  Luckily the pregnancy hormones have long worn off or I might have clocked her one (of Flava Flav's).

She wants me to measure my pee for three days.  I have to measure incoming as well as outgoing.  I also have to detail what I am drinking.  I have decided to lie and re-name wine 'cordial' and spirits 'gatorade'. 
 

But I have bigger problems than her knowing my daily alcohol intake. When baking a cake, the glass Pyrex measuring jug will never look the same to me.  

Day 108 - 27.05.2012

Is it worrying when the only piece of advice an ageing Grandfather can give you is:

'When the babies have hiccoughs, their heart grows'?

What about the fact that he believed a carer when they asked if Father Christmas was his brother.  He answered in all earnest 'But I never had a brother!'.

Age catched up with us all.  For many of us, by the time we hit 30 we have developed behavioural patterns that cannot be altered or reversed.  We become victims of repeat behaviour.  They say we come back to earth until we learn our life's lesson.  

But what is my lesson?  Perhaps it is when the babies have hiccoughs, their heart grows.  After all, I would never have worked that one out for myself.

Day 107 - 26.05.2012

Went to my birthday party today.  Due to CupCake it was held at 3pm.  Due to love of alcohol, it was held at a pub.  And I drank Diet Coke.  

Unfortunately, I had made the grave error of wearing a black t-shirt with a white print on the stomach area.  I looked 5 months pregnant - again!  Tomorrow, I have a lot of photo cropping & t-shirt dyeing to do.  In the meantime, I will stare in awe at daylight pictures of my friends.

It's a rarity!

Day 106 - 25.05.2012

I am getting frustrated.  In this house, every time I stretch, I hit a chandelier.  Clang clang clang the pieces of crystal and glass go.  And the heavy fittings threaten to leave the ceiling altogether every time I shake my bed's quilt.  But what can I do?  No-body likes the feathers to fall at the bottom of the duvet.  Perhaps I need to lift the ceilings.

Day 105 - 24.05.2012

Phew - now that I've shaken my audience, I can get on with the business of living.

Heard a familiar sound today. It was of bells clanging in the street. My grandparents used to tell me it was a man on his bicycle selling fruit and vegetables.  I believed this until my 20's.

It is the Home Ice cream Van!

Liars.

Day 104 - 23.05.2012

This blog has become boring.  It was supposed to be entertaining, but has turned into a diary log of grumbles.

Before I send my readers and myself reaching for the remote control, I will pull the ping.  From now on, I will blog intermittently, and only when I have something interesting to say.

Enough with the daily whine!

Day 103 - 22.05.2012

I love that I live in a capital city where you can book a table at a restaurant using your first name only.  And this still applies, even if you have a generic name like Paul, Ann or Mary.

I'm going to attempt going out to lunch on Friday.  I have created a list of this town's most noisiest restaurants and will visit them over the next year.  They are the kind of places where you can lip-read what the person next to you is saying, and in turn you hand them a written response. Nightclubs for adults I call them.  The food is usually bad, but nobody can hear you complain. Bonus points are scored if the venue has carpeting, especially if it's on the walls. But this is difficult to find post-1978.

Day 102 - 21.05.2012

So today a nurse tells me that the sick child at last weeks' mother's group is not sick. She phones to tell me this.  How informative, I think to myself.  She goes on to say that there is something else wrong with the kid and stated that the facilitator had told me this on the day.  The nurse went on to tell me that I should know what the child had.

I said I am sorry, I do not have a medical background.  I do not know what the child has, nor did anyone stipulate that the kid had some kind of non-catchy disease.

The nurse also tried to come over today, with a cold. My messages are not getting through, nor am I understanding why she is so argumentative. She is supposed to be helping me, not being aggressive.

Perhaps I will move. Might be the only way to shake her from my tail.

Day 101 - 20.05.2012

Not much to report today, other than I cut my toe nails... for the first time since the start of April.  My feet were beginning to resemble those of someone in the Guiness Book of World Records.  

Join me next week when I remove old polish!

Day 100 - 19.05.2012

I just participated in a survey on Christmas cake and lollies.  I lied and said that I would buy them all.  I am hoping to be sent some free mince pies (that I would also not eat).

In other news, I went and got my eyebrows plucked today (I don't wax them as I am such a fragile thing, all of my skin comes off with the wax).  Upon leaving the waxer said to me 'You have lost weight since I last saw you'.   I looked at her as if she was mental and said 'I was pregnant last time you saw me'!   She then hurriedly made some follow up comment about my face appearing thinner....

Day 99 - 18.05.2012

Efficiency is bringing in the bin straight after you hear the rubbish men swing past.  To further save on time, today I brought both the general waste and green waste bins in at the same time. Each arm yanked a bin.  Job done, I thought to myself.

Several hours later I heard the bin men come around again. Oh no!! It turned out that I still had a bin full of dirty nappies! I did not check if BOTH bins were empty when I brought them in. Hello maggot breeding ground. Time to set the bin on fire I say.

Further efficiencies today involved me going for a walk to get the bowels moving. I was in need of a good fart. After a few steps, I felt the urge to go. Oh this is going to be a cracker, I thought to myself. POP POP POP POP I went. 

I was in a quiet suburban street, with no traffic. Big mistake. Several retirees lifted their heads from beneath rose bushes and stared at me, horrified at the commoner strolling past. Note to self, take different route or wear i-pod next time. If I can't hear it, neither can they.

The day didn't improve. On my return home, I shook my coffee cup vigorously, throwing brown water every which way. And I drank from the baby's bottle. It does not pay to be ambidextrous sometimes.

But the big mystery of today is, why do so many people have their blinds drawn during the day?

I have several theories. They might be shift workers, drug houses or vampires.

But more than likely, they are silverfish breeders. That's better that than a pigeon fancier I say!

Day 98 - 17.05.2012

Today my physio taught me how to poo.

Did you know it involves heels facing up, a forward leaning position and making the sound 'ha!' 

Well it does.

So tomorrow morning, if you walk past my bathroom window, expect to hear me laughing 'ha ha ha ha ha', and the sound of poo hitting water.  Either that or me face planting onto the bathroom tiles whilst giggling all the way.

HA!

Day 97 - 16.05.2012

Join a baby group, they said.  So I waited.  It was three months before my name was called.

The big day arrived, and CupCake was running to 'baby time'.  I didn't hurry her along, and we arrived 5 minutes late.

All of the mothers in the group were seated on the floor when I arrived.  Not good for my posture, I thought.  They had all brought baby mats. I did not. I had presumed that the babies would be in prams and we would be seated at a table.  Wrong.

They had saved me a seat next to someone whose baby was coughing so loudly, it barked.  I blinked, thinked and fled.  I made my apologies to the facilitator, and quietly stated that I could not sit next to a sick baby.  The mother of said baby arked up and loudly said 'I've been to the doctor and he is not contagious!'   I mumbled that I am a protective parent and left.  The group started to talk loudly amongst themselves.

I don't think I am welcome back, as later in the day a nurse said that she did not think that the group was for me. We have, in effect, been evicted from a Government-run baby group.

Personally I feel that the sick baby should not have been allowed to attend the session.  It was very selfish of the parent to turn up and subject others to potential illness.  But some people only think of themselves.  She probably wanted to make new friends, at any cost.

So what to do?  Shall I turn up next week and stage a similar walkout???

Wait and see!

Day 96 - 15.05.2012

You know it's a bad day when the baby has weed its outfit, and mother hen has also had an accident.  Poor CupCake's butt is too big for the newborn nappies.. 

Mother Hen's incident involved part of her dressing gown entering the toilet when she was doing a number two.  Mother Hen stood up, not realising, and wondered why she had nutella on her leg.  

Thank God she wasn't hungry.....

Day 95 - 14.05.2012

Go to 'Day Service' they said.  You will be watched all day by a trained midwife. They will assess how you respond to your baby's cues. They will watch what you do over the course of a day. You must be there at 9am. 

OK I said, feeling pressured.

Baby did not wake up until 9am.  I had been up since 6, just in case. We rush and arrive at the centre at 9.45am.  They decide that they cannot see me until 10.15am.  We go for a walk.

I had been told to bring EVERYTHING I needed for the day.  The car is packed to the brim with rockers, mats, clothes, food, toys.  I look like I am moving house.  Or deserting my husband.  

'Oh there must have been a misunderstanding' they say when I ask for assistance with  getting items out of my car.

Everywhere I look, I see signs that say 'QUIET!  SLEEPING BABY'. I immediately know that this is not for me. I do not want to be at a daytime sleep school! The nurse comes out and assures me that it is not this, so we book in.

Bloody bullshit!  First chance they get they are putting CupCake to sleep and telling me to shoosh.  We weren't allowed to play, or talk.  We are allowed to have lunch, then it's back to sleep again.  Except CupCake won't sleep. Each time she rests, madly sucking her dummy, with eyes shut if you are lucky.  

The nurse continues to rock the crib in a Parkinsons-like fashion.  She tells me off for giving the baby eye contact or for talking. I tell her that I don't rock my baby to sleep nor do I have her in a dark room during the day. I tell her that I will not be replicating this at home and that any issues the baby has are due to her reflux.

The nurse insists that the baby has sleep issues. I ask how many hours a day a 10 week old should sleep for. She guards the document which details this with her arm.  This reminds me of an 8 year old undertaking a spelling test. 

13.5 hours she says, rocking the cot more furiously. She gets close to that, I say, and I am not replicating what you are doing when I get home.

I am bored out of my mind, and so is CupCake.  After 5 long hours I feign a headache and we go home to play. As my Grandfather said 'they are just trying to justify their own jobs (by inventing that something is wrong with me)'.

Day 94 - 13.05.2012

Let's have a dinner party I said. It will be no trouble at all.  We will be at home, and if the baby arks up, we will be able to put her to bed.  I'll be able to have a few wines and get merry.

WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!

CupCake decided to start screaming from the moment visitors first arrived, and did not stop until a couple of them left. There were never more than 50% of attendees at the dinner table at one time, and two people left in frustration before dessert was served. I was unable to keep a conversational thread alive, as the baby had become hysterical and inconsolable.

Lasagna went cold and cool drinks warm.

Will I do it again?  Sure when baby turns 10!

Day 93 - 12.05.2012

It does not pay to be polite.

Picture this: I am grappling with a 5 kilo baby in one arm, and a full shopping basket in another. I am in a queue. A lady opens a new checkout just for me, as she wants to have a peek at the 9 week old baby.

I politely ask the man in front of me 'Do you want to go first?'  It is clear I am about to drop the bundle.

He says yes!! And rushes towards the check out. My fault for asking what should have been a question that received a 'no' answer.

As he was not born here (this was not clear until he spoke), perhaps he does not understand what is culturally acceptable.  Perhaps I had better review the naturalisation class curriculum.  An amendment is due. Rule number one: ladies first!  Especially if holding a baby.

Day 92 - 11.05.2012

The baby stares at a specific spot on in the lounge room when I am holding her.  

And coos.  

And smiles.  

I am convinced she is communicating with the dead.

I was told during the week that she is seeing my Grandmother singing to her and I am starting to believe it. 

Alas, if only the dead could come and sing to her when she is screaming at me for food!

Or change her nappy.

Day 91 - 10.5.2012

For the rest of the night I will have to watch the SBS tv channel & read sub-titles. Why? Because I can't hear a thing. I am now deaf thanks to a colicky baby screaming in my ears!

I used to think that the night clubs I went to were loud. If my ears rung upon leaving, I knew I'd had a good night. And if they were still ringing in the morning, I knew I'd stayed out a little bit too late.

But this is different. Babies should not leave you with a disability. 

Tomorrow I will go to Mitre 10 and buy a pair of ear plugs. In the meantime, out of desperation, I will use a couple of tampons. 

Day 90 - 9.5.2012

I know who I should be hiring to do my odd jobs - pensioners!

On my walk today I saw an incredible amount of retirees doing tasks that I deem to be boring, or unnecessary.

In their spare time, the over-50's are:

1. Pulling weeds out of the Council's verge.

2. Up on ladders washing windows so high they can't even see out of them.

3. Blackening the tyres of their Toyota Crown's.

4. Painting the outside of their fence (that backs onto a park).

5. Removing millipedes from the outside walls of their home (and throwing them onto the street).

6. Sculpting shrubs into cones.

7. Re-positioning their mailboxes (because they can't see out of their rear view mirror anymore).

8. Putting up lights in time for Christmas (it's May).

9. Hosing down their driveways (water ban season has lifted).

10. Chopping down non-fruiting trees (presumably for fire wood).

 I can't even manage to make a sandwich on a good day!

Day 89 - 8.5.2012

I decided to walk to my local Target. This is some distance away by car, as you have to go around the river and over a bridge. It is also impossible to walk it 'as the crow flies'. So I weaved my way through suburbia, pram in hand.

It only took me 20 minutes to get from my front door to the Target entrance.

I wandered around, bought some groceries, went to the chemist and newsagent. With each step I loaded the pram up a little more.

I then walked into Target proper and as CupCake vomits incessantly, decided to buy Mr Sponge some extra clothes. Unsure of size or preference, I picked up several kilos worth. 

At the checkout I realised that a bag was useless, as I did not have a car nor handles to hang the items from (there is no under carriage to this pram). So I unpacked each item, and laid them across the top of the pram. It looked like I was a bag lady.

Knickers and tracksuits were spilling every which way, boxes of cereal and pears peeking out from under hooded tops. Magazines shoved under the baby's bottom. We resembled an OH&S nightmare.

Twenty minutes of walking in windy conditions later, we found ourselves at home, and greeted by house cleaners who had turned up 1.5 hours early. But did not call me. 

I said 'How did you know I was coming back?' They said 'Oh we would have waited, we came early as we have another job across town later'.  Augh!! I am not a fan of the drop in.

Even more surprising is their cleaning methods. I asked them to clean the top of some kitchen cupboards. They ummed and ahhed about getting up on a step-ladder, then promptly got a duster and swept all of the grit and grot all over everything in the kitchen!  

I could have done that.

It also appears that one of the people is a trainee. I can hear her (this is live blogging now) every so often going 'oh no' and 'aghh' and sighing. Excuse me Mrs, but you don't get to complain about my mess! 

They have also asked me if this is an ongoing arrangement. That is a leading question, to determine if they need bother too much with the job. So I gave a vague answer of 'I'll ask my husband'.

So I am stuck here in sweat land, as I have not yet had a shower. Nor can I make my lunch!  CupCake has the right idea - she is still fast asleep. She must be exhausted from all the calories we burnt off on our walk.

Someone bring me the nutella jar. I need to re-charge.

Day 88 - 7.5.2012

Today CupCake got her first round of immunisations, so no debate on that topic from me. 

Unless she develops a disorder.  Then I will jump on the anti-immunisation bandwagon.

Going to the hospital on Saturday night, and seeing how paranoid I get around sick children clinched the deal for me. 

Oddly, I actually had to take one of the medications home and give it to her myself as they were unable to at the clinic.  Not quite sure if that's kocher. 

Today I also saw a water rat.  It's been years since I have seen one, on account of having moved away from the river ten years ago. 

I knew it was a rat immediately - the bubbles that rise to the surface of the river are a dead giveaway. As are the swirled patterns that form in the river.  From that point, it only takes a minute or so for the tell-tale rodent to show its furry head.

This made me nostalgic, and I headed further along the river, remembering where the 'Australia chair' used to be (It was a crude chair carved from a Gum tree in the shape of Australia). It is no longer there, so I closed my eyes and imagined it instead.

Further along I admired the old Ghost Gum that once caught on fire. 

In the early 1980's my sister and I donned yellow plastic raincoats and went to watch the firemen put out the blaze (we didn't want to get wet).  It has been caused by a lightening strike - what they say about water courses and thunderstorms is very much true.

The rest of my walk was littered with thoughts of the other strollers. 

Why weren't they at work?

Day 87 - 6.5.2012

So the screaming continued and by 11.53pm on 5.5.12 we were in the car and heading to hospital.  (In the old days, I used to go out clubbing at this time).  

I was so worried as CupCake was in such pain.

We spent quite a few hours in the emergency department of a large capital city children's hospital.  I had not been in one since I was small. The staff were fantastic, and very good with kids.

So what was the outcome?

CupCake has constipation and needs to have 1 teaspoon brown sugar in 30 ml water to get her bowels moving!

We got home at 3.30am, passing through a city crawling with drunkards in short skirts.

I think I may have wasted some tax payer money last night...

Day 86 - 5.5.2012

The baby takes after me.  It is not the outdoors type.

We went to a local park today for a birthday, and CupCake spent the majority of her time there screaming.

I guess I won't be wasting Saturday afternoons at primary school netball games!

Day 85 - 4.05.2012

I have taken CupCake to the doctor's offices several times this week. 

It turns out that I am slightly over-reacting.

In the first instance, Cupcake was very stuffed up and couldn't breathe. So we rushed to the doctor's, thinking she had a terrible flu. Turns out she had milk up her nose.

In the second incident, Cupcake coughed up red 'blood'. I freaked! How did she get TB? We sped to the surgery, only to be told that she had been sucking on her red terry towelling suit, and was spitting out the remnants...

Luckily the doctor bulk-bills.

I'm starting to think that I have developed Munchausen by proxy syndrome (MBPS). This is a condition whereby illnesses or symptoms are exaggerated or invented by the primary caregiver.

Regardless, the poor mite does suffer from reflux. A friend has implied that this is not the case at all, and that the evil eye (malocchio) has been placed upon the child. He suggests that I obtain advice from a specialist in removing curses immediately. But where do I find such a person? 

According to http://my-bellavita.com/2010/07/24/calabrian-traditions-malocchio/

'All babies need extra protection, according to the Calabrese, because they are the most vulnerable of all.'

They also say that:

'You cannot truly prevent malocchio. It is all around us. Therefore, it is truly best to take precautions early:

1. Hang a bunch of skinny dried hot red pepper over your stove. They look like red horns and keep your kitchen safe.

2. Take a container of salt and sprinkle it everywhere. This is a must, from the corners of your new home so evil does not come in, to the trunk of your new car so blessings will always be with you.

3. And for added measure, just to make sure that the malocchio doesn’t find you in your dreams……….there’s the malocchio cloth, a giant piece of red material which should be placed between the floor and you, essentially between your mattress and boxspring, so that you will sleep soundly and safely.'  

Perhaps we need a holiday to Calabria. 

Day 84 - 3.05.2012

Today I got my period. So I won't be doing a Tori Spelling and getting pregnant on the first go after birth. The woman will have no pelvic floor left after baby number 4, as she did not let herself recover. I expect that Tori has whip-em-out c-sections like all the celebs do, but carrying the baby weight around for 10 months at a time can destroy a lady's internal workings.

They say that you can end up with incontinence even if you have a c-section. And old ladies at work have told me horror stories about their uterus' prolapsing in later life. One thing I never want to see is my uterus saying hello when I go to the toilet one day.

Speaking of toilets, today I did the most monstrous poo. The kind that takes six toilet flushes to send away. I will now need to use a high-powered karcher on the toilet brush as it has bits of 'brown food' stuck to it.

Of course, in all of my frantic use of the toilet brush, I sent water that resembles the Ganges all around the bathroom. Some even landed on my foot. So please excuse me while I go and have a shower in pure dettol.

Day 83 - 2.05.2012

I spent this morning convincing the home visit nurse that I am mentally well.  She stared at me so intently that I am sure she was looking not just at my aura, but also my soul.

I suppose it is comments like 'I've never had any interest in babies' that set off alarm bells for her.  So she pulled the oldest trick in the book and left something behind - a green pencil case with her measuring tape and antiseptic hand get in it  (yes I peeked).

Hours pass and lo and behold there is a knock at the door.  It is the nurse, coming to claim her property, and check up on me.  Good on her.  Due to some flatulence, the house would have smelt like poo this morning. If she had the house bugged, all that she would have heard were trumpets.  

Luckily I had the nous to air the home out after she left.