Day 42 - 22.03.2012

During my pregnancy I attended ante-natal classes. These were held by the private hospital and run by trained midwives.

I used to go for the chocolate biscuits, even though I had diabetes.

The classes were boring, and gave a saccharin-sweet representation of birth and delivery.

Gems that popped out of the midwife's mouth during these classes included:

'You won't be able to have your pants on for the delivery'.

On what to bring to hospital: 'Bring in soft savoury biscuits... well there's not that many (on the market)'

On gas and the gas hose: '...we throw it in the bin (after use)... unless you want to take it home and use it as a garden hose'

(On your newborn): 'First babies can be quite mangled looking'.

Once these classes were over I thought I would not receive any more advice.

WRONG!

Upon giving birth (and hemorrhaging quite badly) a midwife said to me:

'If you were in Africa you'd be dead under a tree (from the birth)'

and

'Babies look like their fathers so they don't get eaten at birth'

and

'I've seen absolute train wrecks of peri's!' (Periuneum).

I'm not sure if she was trying to make me feel better, or if I was being included in this category.

Though I did wonder if I was a black or white woman under the tree, and what species it was.

And if there were any lions nearby.