Day 19 – 28.02.2012

It’s time to think of names for the baby.

I’m quite taken with old movie star names.

At the top of my tree are the names ‘Errol’ for a boy and ‘Zsa Zsa’ for a girl.

Other preferred boy names include: Rock, Gene, Burt and Humphrey.

For girls, I also like Ginger, Marlene, Rita and Uma. 

I’ve tried a few combinations out, and am thinking that these sound the best:

Zsa Zsa Ginger Sponge

or

Errol Rock Sponge

I really like Rock Sponge. And there is no room to be teased at school with that one*.

* Until they study pumice stones.

But conversely, I also like ancient God and Goddess names.

When I delve into my books, I am drawn to names such as Osiris and Ra.

It appears that Osiris had a child with his sister, Isis, called Horus. Nobody seemed to bat an eyelid about incest in the days before Jesus was invented, and Horus was just one of many such hook-ups.

Ra was the Sun God. It’s an easy to remember, one syllable word. It will only cause confusion if the child is playing hide and seek and someone yells out ‘Rahh!’ to try and scare another participant. This might cause my Ra to emerge from his hiding place and as a result, lose the game.

Egyptian names can be muddling, as few sound gender-specific. That’s where ancient Greek names are useful.

Nobody is going to think that Oceanus is a girl’s moniker. Only a male could have the word ‘anus’ as the majority of their name and think nothing of it.

Marmoo, an Australian Aborigine name meaning the spirit of Evil is also a contender. Although this may get confused with Marmite, the black vegetable spread, and then inadvertently have racist undertones.

For girls, it is hard to go past Slatababa, which means Golden Woman in Siberian, and  Semele, a Greek Godess. Though I wonder how Semele might be mispronounced?

Perhaps Arsinoe, the name of a Greek & Egyptian Goddess, is a better option.

Arsinoe Sponge, Semele Sponge. It’s so hard to decide.

If the baby is a boy, I’ll name him Apollo Sponge, and buy him a 90’s Holden on his seventeenth birthday to celebrate.

Day 18 – 27.02.2012

Some people work with poo for a living, and for this I am grateful.

Imagine my surprise when I went to flush the toilet and found that instead of water (and toilet paper) washing away from the house, it was rising to the top of the seat. I jumped back in fright.

The sewer pipes had blocked again and I had to call SA Water in a hurry!

It seems to be a once a year thing here, the pipes block up rock solid. The poo resembles something that a hippie would construct a mud brick house from. It even has straw in it. I know, because I looked in the street outlet. Perhaps horses sneak into our bathroom of an evening and relieve themselves. That would explain the horseshoes that I have found in the garden.

Poo isn’t too bad if it’s your own that you are dealing with, but in this instance, it was a year’s worth of tenants’ poo!

Poor Mr Sponge didn’t realise this was an ongoing problem and had the plunger out very quickly. This resulted in poo flying all around the carport, spewing forth over every surface. In the kitchen, poo had sprayed into the air. It had come up through the sink in one big spurt. Particles reigned supreme, forcing themselves into the air on a wave of gold liquid.

I didn’t know which disinfectant bottle to grab first.

It was a hot day and the smell was wafting in through the refrigerated air conditioner, faster than smoke out of a machine. It distinctly lacked that familiar strawberry scent of 90's nightclubs.

I immediately rang the authorities and asked if I could catch a disease from the smell. They said no, but that I should leave the house for the day. I now think that calling Lifeline to ask this question was a mistake. Next time I want advice, I'll call the Clean Up Australia charity. http://www.cleanup.org.au/au/

Poo wise, I guess this was a good introduction into what life will be like when the baby arrives.

Day 17 – 26.02.2012

The last time I heard my father’s voice it was 1983. Bob Hawke was Prime Minister, as was Maggie Thatcher in England. I’d mention what music was popular, but all that ever flowed from the record player in our family home was classical or opera in nature, and Madame Butterfly is difficult to place on a timeline.

I have known for 20 years that I had an audio tape where for approximately two seconds you could hear my father talking to my sister and I. This recording was made in 1982 when to tape voices was a passion of mine. I rediscovered this tape in January 2012, when I moved house. It had been sitting in a box under high temperatures for many years.

Would this precious tape still work I wondered?

I have a tape player in my old 1997 car, so I drove around the neighbourhood trying to understand what was being said. The tape is full of white noise. I had the speakers (what’s left of them anyway) turned up to the highest possible range. 

I blew one.

Realising that the tape needed to be transferred to disk in order to be heard, I contacted several companies for quotes. I am pleased to say that I have now listened to the recording on compact disk and it was well worth it. Even if it was for the 15 minutes that I taped my budgies tweeting, the badly recorded version of ‘Let’s get physical’ by Olivia Newton-John or to hear my sister call me a ‘car maniac’. This was followed by her telling me that she would be hiring a Rolls Royce and moving houses every 1 – 2 years when she grew up. The logic? She would get bored otherwise.

My discussions included the three cars I was going to buy when I grew up. Obviously a Nissan fan, and during the period where I wanted to be a car dealer, I desired a Pulsar, 300ZX and a Bluebird. I have bought none of these cars and have never worked in a shop.

My sister does not lease a Rolls Royce, nor does she move like a nomad every couple of years.

Can you listen to the tape? Probably not. Most is spoken in a language other than English. It’s funny how much recall you can have for language, not matter how long it has been since you last heard it. Conversely, I would not be able to do long division to save my life.

I have always suspected that I had number dyslexia anyway, if such a condition exists. I struggle when people tell me their telephone number. Twos become threes, sixes become nines.

Perhaps in reality I just don’t want to ring you. So, if you want to tell me something urgently, I suggest that you make me a tape and I will listen to it in 2032, on technology not yet invented.

I'll send you back my answer by courier pigeon.

Day 16 – 25.02.2012

All the housewives I know (none) are constantly talking about new products. We chat online and compare deals that have us running out to Big W to purchase napery at discounted prices.

It’s amazing how thrifty we are. I suppose it’s because we are on reduced incomes. Before you know it, I will start behaving as if I am at Uni again and serve up boiled home-brand white rice with sweet chilli sauce for dinner.

Let’s push on.

Each of us housewives have a speciality, something that we take great interest in and like to tell the others about. Mine is chocolate. Since obtaining Gestational Diabetes, my interest in all things cocoa has been turned up to high on the kitchen stove (housewife analogy).

I’ve been scouting around and there are so many new products out there.

So grab your car keys and head to the nearest supermarket for these foil-wrapped treats (think of me post-birth chowing down on each one. Binge and purge will get me over the line in no time).

New, in aisle now:

- Red Tulip Elegant Rabbits

- Pineapple Freddo Frogs

- Kinder Surprise Easter Eggs

- Cookie Crunch Picnic bar

- Red Tulip Caramel Easter Eggs

- Vanilla Mars Bar

- Turkish Delight Easter Eggs

- Nestle Club Orange Chocolate block

- Tropical Pineapple Cadbury Chocolate block
- Terry's Chocolate Orange Segsations

Sources tell me that there is also a new hundreds and thousands Freddo Frog lurking in the North Eastern suburbs. Hop to the West please - I promise to purchase. 

Day 15 – 24.02.2012

I am turning into my Grandmother.

I am wondering if this is because I have moved into her house. (She is not here, she is buried in backyard. We put her in a lead-lined coffin so that we wouldn’t hear her grumbles).

For the past 3 ½ weeks I have had terrible foot pain when I walk. I saw three General Practitioners (GPs) who offered me little practical advice, ranging from ‘I don’t know why your foot hurts’ to ‘Use a pumice stone and see what happens’ to ‘No-one will touch you now as you are pregnant’.

I was getting increasingly disturbed, as if a pet was limping along in this fashion, I am sure a vet would attend to the cause.

I have just seen a podiatrist (I have no idea at what cost as the computers weren’t working so they will send me out a bill). The podiatrist got his scalpel out and hacked into my foot.

‘This might hurt a little’. Like I care – just get it out!

He handed me the offending lump - it was a CORN!

I don’t know how it got there. Perhaps I dropped a kernel when making salad and it lodged itself firmly? Or maybe my digestive system is not working properly and a rogue corn has found its way to my foot?

Regardless, statistically elderly people obtain corns. 

I secretly wondered if I caught it from touching my Grandmother’s old corn pad a few week’s ago. My grandfather had pointed to it and said ‘Do you know what this is?’ He then proceeded to say that it was a glove that sailors wore when hoisting sails. OK, well if this is true someone forgot to tell his wife OR she spent a lifetime hoisting sails with her feet.

Housewife grumble of the day: if a GP can’t diagnose a corn, go back to Uni! And don't be charging me $20 out-of-pocket and say that you can't help!

Day 14 – 23.02.2012

Today’s housewife gripe of the day is brought to you by towels.

I have waited 5 long years to use some uber expensive red and brown towels that I was given as a wedding gift.

When I first laid eyes on them I noticed how so soft and fluffy they were. I had never felt anything so luxurious!

I popped them on my bridal registry at a major department store and became quite excited when I saw that they had been purchased.

Not any more!!

They are dropping fluff over everything that I wash, and because I use them to dry my hair, I now sport an endless supply of red and brown ‘pills’. I am getting really sick of birds swooping down to pick them off my head (although I am grateful for the assistance).

I desperately need a drier so that I can blitz the towels to half their width.

Moral of the story – all that glitters is not gold & the fluff must go somewhere.

Day 13 – 22.02.2012

Today I present to you a collage of photographs I have taken over the past 10 days, and list the reasons as to why I find them interesting.

Photo 1: Placenta soap.

I misunderstood and thought that if I used this product, it would give my placenta (and the baby) a good clean out.

Wrong!

The soap CONTAINS placenta extract which apparently gets rid of wrinkles and blemishes. It also whitens skin.

Perhaps I’ll save my placenta, post-birth, boil it up with some pig fat, mix in some orange oil essence and sell bars of it at the local craft markets?

I reckon it would go for at least $15 a bar as a speciality product.

More if I wrap a white satin ribbon around it and press some dried lavender onto the front.

Photo 2: Lamb tongues.

I can’t imagine opening a can to find a pile of tongues poking out at me, and thinking 'Mmm that would delicious between two pieces of white bread with some tomato sauce!'

I suppose there are farmers out there living the dream. They have a paddock full of mute sheep that don't complain. Now all we need is someone to can cock's voiceboxes.

Photo 3: Bottle shop children’s parties.

Hosting a party for children in the local bottle shop is a little unusual. What games do they play? Pin the ring-pull on the tinnie of Jim Beam and coke? Pass the keg?

I can imagine having my 30^th birthday in a bottle shop though. I always run short of fridge space when I have a party at home, so this would be ideal. And catering would be a breeze - chips and beer nuts all round! (Watch for incoming traffic though!)

Photo 4: Warning sign.

Why is the local supermarket carrying a warning sign in dual languages when nobody speaks the second language? Perhaps they got the sign cheap from the Internet?

I had to google the words 'piso mojado' to see what language this was. I got confused and thought it was an advertisement for Pina Colada’s.

Apparently it’s Spanish for ‘wet floor’. 

What a useless sign in an area with a high Italian and Bulgarian population. In fact, I am going so far as to say I have never even met one person in this capital city who claims to be Spanish. I call shenanigans!

Photo 5*: The Catholic school uniform shop next door to the Freemasons Foundation shop front.

Why is this funny? Because there has been long standing friction between the Freemasons and the Catholic Church.

As explained by http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100804161613AAld1xz

Freemasonry is a fraternal organization that exists in different forms all over the world but which share moral and metaphysical ideals, some of which conflict with Christian and Catholic beliefs.

Freemasonry promotes indifferentism, the heretical (to Christians) belief that all religions are equally legitimate attempts to explain the truth about God but that this truth will never be explained. This is incompatible with Christian faith because Christians believe that God has definitively revealed Himself in the person of Jesus Christ, and desires that all men come to the knowledge of this truth. 

* NB : I'm not presenting an argument either way, I am just explaining the irony of these two shops co-existing peacefully.

Day 12 – 21.02.2012

I’ve got a dirty little secret.

Don’t tell.

I went and visited my Grandfather in the nursing home.

We journeyed outside into the fresh air to obtain some vitamin D and to kill any silverfish that may be stuck to our clothing.

After a while, I decided I HAD to go to the toilet. (Baby must have been bouncing on the bladder). Due to locality, I walked into the main complex where the chapel and the function rooms are.

I thought to myself, ‘Here’s a treat, I’ve never been to the function room toilets, I’ll use those’. As there had been no gatherings for some time, they would also be in pristine condition.

I opened the swinging doors and made my way along a blackened corridor. For some reason the lighting was switched off in this area. I could see the men’s toilets and the disabled toilets… but where on earth were the ladies’ toilets?

I edged further into the unknown, turned a corner and heard a ‘click’!

Uh-oh!

A siren immediately started to alarm. 

I beat a hasty retreat.

Once outside, I realized that the whole complex’ alarms were now sounding.

I rushed to my Grandfather’s room to use his toilet (the noise was deafening) and we resumed sitting outside. We then heard the wail of not one, but two fire trucks. 

I pondered, should we go and watch the proceedings, like fire bugs?

No, we decided. They may have video footage of the perp (me).

Twenty long minutes later the alarms were switched off and residents were finally wheeled back into their rooms. This was a big task as many are in reclining ‘princess chairs’ and half are usually locked up in the dementia ward (and thought that they were on a 'day out').

We casually mosied back into my Grandfather’s room as if nothing had happened, and wondered how much the exercise had cost!!

Day 11 – 20.02.2012

Housewives read alternative magazines.

I have had to substitute my subscription to ‘Winestate’ for ‘Take 5’ and ‘That’s Life’ magazines.

For those that only read books, Take 5 and That’s Life are thin weeklies that are packed full of crosswords and real life stories. Previous gems that have engrossed readers include:

‘I’m doing a degree in Disney’

‘Zumba made me a foxy Nanna’

‘How Christmas can make you slim’

‘He gambled away 1.6m but I forgive him’

The stories are never quite how you imagine them.

The lady who lost weight at Christmas simply didn’t eat fatty food. It wasn’t as though by some Christmas miracle she woke up on December 25 weighing 10 kilos less than the previous day.

Regardless, the magazines do contain some amusing items.

My most favourite segment is ‘top tips’.

Some recent top tips that have grabbed my attention include:

1. To keep flies and other insects out of soft drink cans, place a muffin paper case over the can, punch a hole in it and thread a straw through your drink.
2. If your wheelbarrow is broken, use a laundry cart* topped with a plastic container in lieu.

This is some good advice.

 * The last time I saw one of these carts was in the 1980’s. You may have to scour ‘vintage stores’ to find one.

In early December 2011 I spotted an opportunity to submit my own top tip. I was passing through a friend’s kitchen and saw an unusual display in a plastic jar. It contained large pieces of dried bread crusts.

I made an enquiry and was told that the soft white bread was used for making mini quiche cups, and that the crusts were used with dip.

I immediately took a photograph and submitted this to both women’s magazines.

Well lo and behold, yesterday a $50 cheque bearing my name, Victoria Sponge, arrived in the post.

I have officially entered the housewife mindset.

Next stop, I’ll send in a picture of my pet for the cute animals section. I hope it doesn’t matter that they have all been dead for some time and that the humans are sporting happy pants and early 90’s hair-dos.

I won’t enter the baby pictures section. I’ll step up my game up a notch and contact the Tanya Powell modeling agency. The sooner the baby starts working the better. Nappies are expensive you know. 

Day 10 – 19.02.2012

In a fit of madness, I decided to vacuum the house.

We bought our new vacuum almost a year ago, but I have never placed a single fingerprint on it during this time. It’s one of those whiz-bag Dyson machines that other housewives covet.

I plugged it in, but could see no obvious way to turn the machine on. The buttons on the handle appeared to do nothing.

I figured as it was so expensive, it must have Bluetooth. So I tried a few commands.

‘Machine on!’

‘Turn on!’

‘Start!’

‘Go!’

None worked.

Perhaps it would only respond to my husband’s voice?

Mr Sponge came to see who I was conversing with, and explained that vacuum cleaners had not advanced that far. Apparently to kick start the machine, all you need to do is turn the big red button on.

It sprang to life and off I whisked.

What I didn’t count on was having to move all 18 chairs that we now have in the home. And I had forgotten that cords only extend so far.

There were a few hairy moments such as when I pulled a powerboard out of the wall (and everything that was attached to it) in the kitchen.

Apparently it’s not normal to drag a boiling kettle around behind you when vaccumming.

Day 9 – 18.02.2012

The terms DYI & BYO have taken on new meanings.

I am now a DYI doctor.

Case 1: I went to the Obstetrician’s office to have a vaginal swab taken for the common bacterium called Group B streptococcus. This is a routine procedure conducted before you give birth. If you are positive for Group B, you will be given antibiotics so that you don’t pass the germs onto the baby at birth.

So I am sitting there in my best knickers, ready for the knees up when lo and behold, the midwife gives me a long cotton bud and tells me to go to the toilets and do it myself. Pardon? Since when are doctor’s shy about seeing what’s in my knickers?

Case 2: I’ve had gestational diabetes for 2 months now, but no-one ever checks my notes. I was asked to fill in a book & capture four times a day what I eat and what my blood glucose level scores are. The doctor, as he shuffles me out of his office, asks me if my levels are OK. He takes my word for it when I say yes.

This is all very trusting, but I don’t recall specializing in endocrinology and obstetrics at University!

I am also a BYO hospital orderly.

I was asked by a friend if my hospital bag was packed. I said no, how can it be? I am still using the items that I need for hospital.

These days, at a top private hospital in a capital city, you need to bring your own nappies for the baby, your own soap, maternity pads, toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner and toothbrush.

You need to pack as if you are going camping.

What do they do if you forget to bring the nappies? Leave the baby to poo and wee in the crib? I’ll just keep moving it to a new crib if this is the case. The stinky ones can be lined up outside my room.

Since this appears to be a ‘no expense spared’ exercise, I think I’ll leave the hair and makeup products at home. In for a penny, in for a pound, I may as well place a mobile hairdresser and makeup artist on a daily rate for my hospital stay. And hire a sushi chef.

Interestingly, the hospital advised me by letter during the week that nursery fees are not necessarily covered by insurance companies. The fee for this service is $1095 per night.

I didn’t realize that a nursery was now considered a separate entity.

If something goes askew, I’m catching the first bus to the public hospital, with baby in tow. Knowing my luck, the bus driver will tell me that he is feeling a little unwell and could I possibly finish the run for him?

Day 8 – 17.02.2012

I am stopped at a set of traffic lights, as is everyone else.

We are on a major arterial road in a capital city.

Suddenly a woman in a shiny green SUV (for no good reason) slams into a 4WD. The 4WD in turn slams into a light vehicle (truck).

All I could think was thank God no-one in a normal car was involved in this! It’s OK if the big boys play demolition derbies with each other, but don’t involve us small to medium car drivers!

There are so many large vehicles on the road these days, it’s like everyone is playing ‘keeping up with the Joneses’. When I am driving I find myself continually ducking and weaving through lanes of traffic to get to a vantage point beyond large vehicles. Perhaps as a solution, they should all be encouraged to stick to the bus lane?

Anyway back to the woman driver who caused the accident... what was she thinking? Everyone was stationary!

She didn’t need an ambulance, she needed a new pair of glasses if you ask me.

Day 7 – 16.02.2012

I may look easy going but I am not.

I have a disorder called ‘medically acknowledged secret panicking’.

Ironically, most of this panic stems from medical issues.

I went to the Obstetrician recently who informed me that our baby is weighing well at 36 weeks and 4 days (i.e. it is not over-sized).

He then brought up the topic of my Gestational Diabetes, and I asked if I would be allowed to go past the 40 week mark. He said no, as from week 38 the placenta starts to break down and the baby can die from having a hypo in utero or from general GD complications. Apparently from 38 weeks, the baby’s pancreas begins to behave differently.

This scared me a lot. I’d prefer to be induced to make sure that the baby lives. I think I am going to have to push my point more at my next Obstetric appointment as the Doctor did not seem keen on inducing me. He said that ladies on insulin are the ones who get induced at 38 weeks, not people like me who are controlling their diabetes through diet alone. Well I’d like to join them! (Personally I have been angling for a February 29 baby all along, but I didn’t mention this).

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to convince the doctor of my plans, so I have looked up methods to induce labour and I may put them in place shortly.

Methods of natural induction include (as detailed at http://www.bellybelly.com.au/birth/natural-induction-methods):

1. Sex

Sex is a commonly suggested method of natural induction due to semen containing prostaglandins – which help to ripen the cervix.

Pros: It’s free and you don’t have to leave home to do it.

Cons: Baby might kick the penis out of revenge and halt proceedings.

2. Acupuncture

Acupuncture has been used very successfully for thousands of years to induce women who are over-due in their pregnancy. Andrew Orr, a Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner in Queensland states “Through continual research, we have found that induction using acupuncture generally works within 6-48 hours of having your treatment.”

Pros: Someone else is sticking needles in you (unlike Gestational Diabetes where I am sticking needles in myself 4 times a day).

Cons: I scar easily and will look like a pock marked person for the rest of my life.

3. Acupressure
Known to induce labour, details on pressure points can be found at:

http://acupuncture.rhizome.net.nz/downloads/Acupressure.pdf

Pros: Someone gets to play touchy feelies on you. Reminds me of when we were in primary school and we used to ‘draw’ words on each other’s backs (that the recipient had to guess).

Cons: I am unable to grab my ankles and self-apply pressure. There is a belly in the way! Therefore I need an assistant.

4. Evening Primrose Oil (EPO)

Evening Primrose Oil is another ‘cervix ripening’ method. EPO helps by imitating prostaglandin can be used orally and/or internally. If you are taking EPO internally, you can do this from 36 weeks – simply insert 2-3 capsules directly to the cervix before bed. You might like to wear a pad or liner as it can get messy when you get up.

Pros: Having a ‘front bottom’ that smells like primroses.

Cons: Leaking something that resembles toilet freshener throughout the day.

6. Nipple Stimulation

Nipple stimulation produces oxytocin and can produce some strong effects, so you can try stimulating your nipples (including your areola, as a baby would when sucking) with your fingers, massaging one at a time. An alternate option is if you are still feeding a toddler, let him attach and the sucking action will do the same thing. Massage the first nipple for 5 minutes (when there are no contractions), then wait to see what happens (around 15 mins or so) before doing more.

Pros: Doing this in public GUARANTEES you a seat by yourself on the bus.

Cons: Difficult to accomplish if you have inverted nipples.

7. Castor Oil

Castor oil causes diarrhoea (and sometimes vomiting) for the mother. Often in early labour you will have diarrhoea – this is the body’s own way of clearing out and making space for baby, but sometimes this doesn’t happen, especially if baby isn’t yet ready and given the signal for labour to start.

Pros: I always wanted to have an enema. Madonna & Princess Di really popularized this as a weight loss technique back in the day.

Cons: I’ll get hungry straight afterwards and will demand a Quarter Pounder meal with a large chips. Then we are back to square one.

8. Sweeping Membranes / Stretch & Sweep

Sweeping the membranes involves your medical carer gently separating the membranes from the cervix by vaginal exam. This may be a little uncomfortable for some women.

Pros: Perhaps they can tap on the baby’s head while they are in there to wake him / her up?

Cons: I’d feel like a hand-puppet.

9. Black Cohosh

Black Cohosh is a herb used to encourage contractions and facilitate labour.

Pros: I must take a trip to North America to buy this preparation.

Cons: I had to look up what this was on Wikipedia. 

10. Raspberry Leaf

Raspberry Leaf is a uterine tonic, which also has added benefits after the birth for breastmilk production.

Pros: A cup of raspberry leaf tea will go hand in hand with a Yo Yo biscuit.

Cons: Yo-Yo biscuits are not available outside of the state of South Australia. We also manufacture Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee and Fruchocs that we’re not sharing.

11. Spicy Food / Curry

Apparently this works.

Pros: Thai takeaway curries every night until the baby is born.

Cons: Difficult to eat in summer when a pregnant woman is naturally running at 10 degrees hotter than everyone else.

12. Induction Massage

The massage therapists work on acupressure points which are normally avoided during pregnancy, which can trigger labour.

Pros: Provides you with a legitimate reason to get nude in front of a stranger.

Cons: You may get too relaxed and fall asleep instead of beginning labour. Also, this may be an 'extra' that is not covered by your health insurance fund.

Decisions, decisions.... I think I'll peform some accupressure on my partner before sex, use some Evening Primrose Oil as lubricant and then have a nice cup of Rasperry Leaf Tea afterwards.