Day 4 - 13.02.2012

I find myself pruning rose bushes at 7.30am in an Edward Scizzorhands-like frenzy. Upon finishing my design (if you squint it looks like an ice cream cone), I realize that I can peer into the neighbour’s backyard more than ever before.

I am surrounded by two sets of housewives, one in her 70’s (I presume – she has always looked that old) and another that has recently turned 50. Their backgrounds are polar opposites. One is of Australian descent, the other Sicilian. The smells that emanate from their kitchens may be vastly different, but both run to schedules that would put a bus driver’s to shame.

I realize that I need a schedule.

Somehow, within the space of days, I have partly assimilated and been Stepford Wived* into some of their ways. We concurrently pick up washing from the line, water the plants in the front yard, pull into our driveways from shopping and check our mailboxes for post (God forbid that there is junk mail!)

I bet we are even going to the toilet at the same time, giving new meaning to the term ‘dual flush system’.

But this is not enough.

Take a look at our differing timetables:

Stepford Monday

• Conduct washing & folding of clothes
• Tidy bedrooms

My Monday

• Secretly eat a Mars Bar, feel dizzy from too much blood glucose circulating in my system, lay down on couch for a few hours… until tea time.

Stepford Tuesday

• Clean kitchen – including the microwave and fridge doors
• Vacuum front entry & hallways

My Tuesday

• Find a stack of old magazines, read them under the premise that you are looking for recipes to snip out. Get confused as the magazines contain pictures of the Queen Mother. Is she alive or dead? Perform Google search. Begin to google other Royals. Then google ‘royal scandals’. Remember that you never saw Britney Spears’ business a few years ago when she was mental. Try and find aforementioned picture on internet. Jump out of your skin when you hear a car in the drive way.

 

Stepford Wednesday

• Clean lounge room, dining room and rumpus room

My Wednesday

• Remember to feed the budgie. Find budgie dead in cage from starvation. Buy replacement budgie. Accidentally get a blue budgie when the last one was green. Tell husband that you used Windex on the bird cage and some must have soaked into the feathers.

 

Stepford Thursday

• Clean windows
• Do mending and ironing
• Tidy the laundry

My Thursday

• Write Christmas cards in advance, leave blank spaces for partner’s names in case friends have a bust up with their partners during the year. Bury Christmas cards in the top cupboard, behind blankets and party gear where I will find* them in ten months time.

 * Ten months plus however many years it is until I move.

Stepford Friday

• Bake, cook & freeze meals
• Vacuum furniture
• Put rubbish and recycling on the kerb after dark

 My Friday

• Find cocktail recipe that sounds interesting. Practice making recipe and a few variations. Greet husband at door supported by a walking stick.

 

At this early stage, I am not sure how to better myself. But I am acutely aware that if Mr Sponge begins attending a Men’s Club, my Stepford Wife lobotomy is looming.

* According to Urban dictionary, http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=stepford+wife, the phrase Stepford Wife typically is:

1.)   Used to describe a servile, compliant, submissive, spineless wife who happily does her husband's bidding and serves his every whim dutifully. 

2.)   Can also be used to describe a wife who is cut from a mould and is bland in appearance and behavior. Subscribes to a popular look and dares not deviate from that look.