Day 142 - 30.06.2012

I always said my Grandfather needed just a face to talk at. It doesn't matter whose. Well, he has found it in CupCake.

Today at the nursing home he did his usual monologue, facing myself and the baby. CupCake laughed, smiled and cooed through the whole visit. She was convinced that he was speaking to her. English, Italian, it didn't matter. He was happy, due to a captive, alert and interactive audience. Mind you, that same audience did have a half an hour lights out at one stage. My Grandfather was probably jealous.

Day 141 - 29.06.2012

Housewife tips:

# 1 - If you have just farted, and find guests at your door unexpectedly, tell them that you had eggs for lunch.

# 2 - If you have a sink full of dishes, tell visitors that the faucet is not working.

# 3 - If you have not vaccuumed, tell guests that you are participating in a CSIRO study on dust mite cultivation.

# 4 - If your shower is covered in soap scum, tell visitors that the cleaners did a terrible job.

# 5 - If a pet has peed on the floor, tell guests you were just about to mop with ammonia.

# 6 - If light globes have blown and you have been too lazy to change them, tell visitors you are reducing your carbon footprint.

# 7 - If you have run out of spring water, serve guests tap water masked with lemon. Or Sprite if you have no lemons. 

# 8 - If you have run out of fingerpaints, use dusty sideboards for creating art instead.

# 9 - It is OK to drink at any time, so long as you wash your wine glass before your husband gets home. 

# 10 - If none of your clocks can agree on the time, choose which suits you, even if it is set to last summer's daylight savings.

Day 140 - 28.06.2012

Is it wrong that I walk by a house I used to live in every day, and wonder who is sleeping in my bedroom?

Did they keep the green and blue wallpaper, I wonder?

Do they revel in the fact that the room always gets the most benefit from the air-conditioner?

Are they scared of monkeys under their bed like I was?

I see the ivy is still rampant out the back. Perhaps they need to clip that.

And their German Shepherd dogs are dead. Good to see. It makes my prowling around easier.

But I am curious.  What happened to the rooster on the roof? Why would they take that down?  Now I'll never know where north is ever again.

Day 139 - 27.06.2012

I have a lot of questions. 

I looked online to see what refreshments CupCake's potential primary school offers.  But the tuckshop (canteen) price list confused me. 

What can I use instead of tape or staples to secure lunch money to paper bags? 

What is an apple slinky? 

Why is recess now called first lunch? 

Did St Francis authorise the use of his name in the chicken wrap? (Especially as he was the patron saint of animals.)

 I just want a meat pie. Do I have to go to the deli to get one? The school doesn't seem to stock them.

Why do I have to pay 20 cents to bring an apple from home? And does the apple get confiscated and given to horses if I don't cough up?

Whose house does the home-made popcorn come from? And will it be warm when it gets to me?

Has there been an influx of Mexican students? Nachos appear on the menu.

How big is the large slice of pizza? Or should I order the small?

I'll e-mail my concerns to the Principal tonight.

Day 138 - 26.06.2012

First sleep in the big girl's cot today. CupCake took to it like a duck to water.

Let's hope it's not a one-off.

Day 137 - 25.06.2012

I choose my air fresheners based on the can's pictures.  For example, those of a rose, frangipane or lavender.  A familiar picture means a known scent.

I am frightened of shop keepers, so am loathe to spritz cans in the shop.

So what possessed me to buy a spray with a toilet on the cover?

It smells like it looks!

Day 136 - 24.06.2012

CupCake screamed through the entire christening.  It is not possible to watch the footage.  We couldn't even hear the Priest give us directions. And I forgot the words to the 'Our Father'.

Seven party sized pizzas set everything straight though.

Day 135 - 23.06.2012

How exciting!  Today I learnt that someone who has caused me endless, needless trouble is dead.

I raise my glass and toast this happy day - with a Farmer's Union Iced Coffee!

Day 134 - 22.06.2012

Yay.  Raspberry rum balls and chocolate racing cars are made.

Not long 'til CupCake has her first mini-party.  I wonder if she will scream?

Have decided in advance I won't be doing a big 1st birthday party.   I'm not really sure why people have them.  The baby is never aware that they are actually at their own gig. 

Plus, they don't really need presents then do they?  Or their baby teeth to fall out from sugar consumption.

I've heard of it happening - baby teeth rotting from sugar abuse.  That's a scary thought, says she who needs to have two fillings thanks to my friend Mr Nutella.

Day 133 - 21.06.2012

Being in the gutter is a good place to be.  There is only one direction in which to move.

Deciding when you are in the gutter can be tricky.  Sometimes what looks like a mansion can be a mad-house in disguise.  Open the door and stay a bit longer.  You'll see what I mean.

Day 132 - 20.06.2012

This is the second time I have come home to the baby screaming, with a wet nappy and hungry.

I'm not sure that the volunteer is capable of doing her job, which is, looking after CupCake.

Day 131 - 19.06.2012

Why is it that when people say they are open-minded, they only mean that they like to have sex with lots of people?

Why can't it mean that they are not racist or homophobic?

Why can't it mean that they embrace all religions and political points of views?

And most importantly, why can't the cat people like dogs?

Day 130 - 18.06.2012

Why is it that I never see the writing on the wall?

It always appears as a watermark to me, or in Egyptian Hieroglyphics.

I go backwards and forth in my mind over the scenario which has brought me to the wall.  I conclude that it's bad, and yet, at the faintest bit of hope, I ignore the warning signs and return to my previous position.

I need a few bricks to fall out of the wall, hit me on the head and form sentences on the ground.

I need to believe that there is not actually a choice when people sing 'should I stay or should I go now?'

Day 129 - 17.06.2012

After many years of buying children's party books, I finally have a baby to party for.

I will be spending the rest of the week pouring over these books in anticipation of CupCake's first shin-dig.

Move over fairy bread, there's a new CupCake in town!

Day 128 - 16.06.2012

Just had a flashback.

I used to be desirable.  When I was 5 years old, a boy who lived up the street called Aaron Sonny gave me all of his KISS LP's.  He really liked me. Unfortunately his mother found out and demanded them all back.

I'm glad it didn't work out.  She would have been an interfering mother-in-law.

Day 127 - 15.06.2012

Am I the only person without a computer phone?

Am I the only one that still types as if my cuticles will get jammed between the typewriter's keys at any moment?

Is it wrong to wear old maternity clothes to bed?

Fancy petrol is made by CSR, can I make my own by mixing water and sugar?

What can I buy for $1?

I want to go grey, all over. How long will this take? Should I cut my hair short first to accelerate the process?

Is it wrong that I can't remember what friends have de-friended me on Facebook?

At least I have one thing right. I started on sparkling, shifted to white and I am now looking down the barrel of a rose next.

Day 126 - 14.06.2012

I am genuinely happy that I can walk and pay my heating and cooling bills.  Is it odd that such simple things give me pleasure? 

I am also pleased to be alive.  I am in a state of flux when I think of CupCake being an orphan.  How would she cope?  How would I cope from the other side, looking down, panicking that I am unable to assist her?

I suppose taking up smoking is out of the question.

And I must give up chocolate.  My arteries are full of it.

Day 125 - 13.06.2012

Have decided to teach CupCake all that I know.

When she can speak, her elocution will be thus:

nectar-een
manda-reen
vahz
dahns
prahns
p-row-ject
trance-form

Day 124 - 12.06.2012

The old woman that comes to assist me once a week is unusual.  She doesn't change nappies or feed the baby even though these are her primary tasks.  Today she let the baby sleep for 4 hours straight.  CupCake was screaming blue murder when I got home from the dentist.

I suppose that old adage comes in to play - if you want the job done properly, do it yourself!

Good luck with CupCake sleeping tonight.

Day 123 - 11.06.2012

Bob*, the scam artist at my Grandfather's nursing home.  Take note, I am coming for you.

Where do I start with this one?

I think my Grandfather is being / about to be scammed by a visitor to his nursing home.

They seem to have invented details of themselves, such as:

* They own a $7 million dollar property in Victoria with their sister.

* They recently sold a $750K home in an exclusive suburb.

But they:

* Drive a $1500 car that broke down the day after they bought it.

* Spend all their cash on betting on horses.

* Spend all their free time at a rough pub.

* Reside in a housing trust home in a bad area.

* Have said that they want my Grandfather to be involved in a project, but have not yet said what this is.

* Have taken personal records of my Grandfather (freely given) on the premise that they are going to see a MP about my Grandfather's finances.  (What the??)

I have warned my Grandfather today, Bob will get you drunk and get you to sign documents.

You don't know Bob, you met him when he walked into your room one day, you don't know anyone that knows him.

And what did my Grandfather say?

'Bring me the title to my home'.

I have previously informed the CEO of my concerns, and will be making another call to her shortly.

* Not his real name.

This is an abridged version. I'm too cross to write.

But let it be noted, I raised concerns.

Day 122 - 10.06.2012

Apparently CupCake can sleep through multiple smoke alarms shrieking, but not me tip-toeing to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Never mind, I had insomnia anyway.  I kept thinking she was going to get SIDS and die from the bonfire we went to last night.  I presume smoke is smoke is smoke and that they all cause infants harm?

Day 121 - 9.06.2012

I like to dream of the dead.  To me they are visits, particularly if it happens during my lucid dreaming stage.

This morning I had the pleasure of seeing my Grandmother in my dream.  She was riding a bicycle and circled myself and my friends once, smiled, and rode off.  No-one else in the dream saw her, just me. I don't remember the last time I dreamt of her, this is not a common recurrence.  

I was then awakened by CupCake calling out to me.

Day 120 - 8.06.2012

Today I went to Harborsboard (my Grandpa's word) and did a spot of shopping.  This lasted 2 hours until CupCake kicked up such a stink that I was forced to crank up the radio to 11 and run three sets of red lights in order to rush home.

Of course all she wanted to do was lie on her activity mat in the lounge room.  But it was a very urgent request.  

Maybe other babies are the same, and this is why internet shopping is so popular.  Soon it will be rare to see a kid under 6 out at the shops at all. If it's too hard, why bother!

The other problem with real-life shopping is that I keep adding items to the pram each time I push my way through shop entry points, past over-stuffed racks of clothing.  I did not mean to, but today I accidentally shop lifted a XXL navy blue man's coat and a pair of cream knee-length ugg boots.  I'd give them to you, but they still have dye tags attached.  

Beep beep! 

Day 119 - 7.06.2012

The catalogue delivery man has been slack. Either he is on holidays, or he is chucking the pamphlets in the river.  I have no idea what is on special these days.

As a result, I have devised a new means of shopping in a thrifty manner.  Today is Wednesday pensioner discount day at a local supermarket.  So not only do the oldies get their specials, but they get an additional 10% off their grocery bill if they flash their old person's proof of life card. So I tailed one.

From the moment she entered the store, I followed.  

She knew where the bargains were. 

This plan worked OK, for the most part.  

I enjoyed the variety of fruit and vegetables she was getting (Granny Smith apples - ahh the irony!) but I am questioning some of my purchases.

$1.99 Chicken Maryland Drumsticks (I'm vegetarian)

$1.00 Fisherman's Friend's tablets (I'll offer them in lieu of mints)

$3.99 kilo Bung Fritz (I'll throw it at snarling dogs on the way home)

.69 cent tinned Peas (I'll give it a shake, and voila, dip!)

$2.99 Budgie seed (I'll put it in cotton balls soaked with water and grow sprouts)

$3.99 compound chocolate (I'll decorate mud pies with it)

$5.00 Brut 33 Men's Aftershave (I'll use in lieu of my Veet hair remover cream)

$6.00 Gaviscon antacid (I'll use it as a minty flavour base for cocktails)

I can't wait for next week's shopping excursion!

Day 118 - 6.06.2012

I am in love with a black Mexican.  I have been for several years.  He wears a large sombrero and is sometimes seen sitting under a palm tree, or with his donkey.  I have admired him from afar for so long.

Today I bit the bullet and made my desires known.  I have sent word to his family that I am interested.  I will pay top dollar for my Mexican man.  I have also sent an e-mail to his agent.  Now, I sit by the phone and wait for his call.

Estoy locamente enamorada!

Day 117 - 5.06.2012

I have phoned the cleaning company this morning for advice. I am scared that the cleaner is going to do a crap job again today. 

Unfortunately, I don't know how to be pro-active and tell someone that they are crap without directly saying 'you're crap'.  

I lack the skill base to use fluffy words to make 'you're crap' sound better.  Aside from that, people misinterpret and think you don't really mean it if you use niceties when you are telling them off.  Then they do the same thing again and you are stuck being frustrated.  This doesn't just go for cleaners, or people you work with, it applies to any human that you have constant contact with. They need to be trained and led, but I don't know how.  I may as well get the scrubbing brush ready, because as soon as 'Cherie' leaves, I'll be re-cleaning the shower!

Post-script: so instead of phoning me the owner of the cleaning agency called the cleaner.  While she was here.  To say that I had complained.  The owner had not clarified with me what the problem was (I had left a message with the receptionist for the owner to call me).  So the cleaner confronted me.  She doesn't get down on her hands and knees to scrub.

Okay........................!

Day 116 - 4.06.2012

Liars can be wildly entertaining people.  They can tell a story or a joke like no other.  They can come up with an excuse to get you out of going to your boss' birthday lunch (that sounds plausible).  But what happens when you no longer believe a single thing that they say?  Perhaps it is wise to suggest a new career path to them, selling fantasy. Opportunities lie in the following fields: insurance agents, dream catcher makers, actors or prostitutes. 

Day 115 - 03.06.2012

It's Sunday night.  I can't be bothered cooking.  I have also eaten every high-carb food known to woman in the past 24 hours.  Perhaps it's time for a freezer combo meal.  Frozen green soy beans with lime pulp ice cubes and tomato passata anyone?  

Day 114 - 2.06.2012

I am locked out of the toilet.  This is OK for me, as I am still measuring my pee in a jug anyway.  What makes me cross is that we paid a locksmith $200 to disengage the lock two years ago.  Clearly he didn't do it, the scam artist!

So what happened next?

Mr Sponge took the door handle off, and I explained how to kill a lock.  Job done. 

PS - I'll find out who the locksmith was and let you know.