Day 11 – 20.02.2012

Housewives read alternative magazines.

I have had to substitute my subscription to ‘Winestate’ for ‘Take 5’ and ‘That’s Life’ magazines.

For those that only read books, Take 5 and That’s Life are thin weeklies that are packed full of crosswords and real life stories. Previous gems that have engrossed readers include:

‘I’m doing a degree in Disney’

‘Zumba made me a foxy Nanna’

‘How Christmas can make you slim’

‘He gambled away 1.6m but I forgive him’

The stories are never quite how you imagine them.

The lady who lost weight at Christmas simply didn’t eat fatty food. It wasn’t as though by some Christmas miracle she woke up on December 25 weighing 10 kilos less than the previous day.

Regardless, the magazines do contain some amusing items.

My most favourite segment is ‘top tips’.

Some recent top tips that have grabbed my attention include:

1. To keep flies and other insects out of soft drink cans, place a muffin paper case over the can, punch a hole in it and thread a straw through your drink.
2. If your wheelbarrow is broken, use a laundry cart* topped with a plastic container in lieu.

This is some good advice.

 * The last time I saw one of these carts was in the 1980’s. You may have to scour ‘vintage stores’ to find one.

In early December 2011 I spotted an opportunity to submit my own top tip. I was passing through a friend’s kitchen and saw an unusual display in a plastic jar. It contained large pieces of dried bread crusts.

I made an enquiry and was told that the soft white bread was used for making mini quiche cups, and that the crusts were used with dip.

I immediately took a photograph and submitted this to both women’s magazines.

Well lo and behold, yesterday a $50 cheque bearing my name, Victoria Sponge, arrived in the post.

I have officially entered the housewife mindset.

Next stop, I’ll send in a picture of my pet for the cute animals section. I hope it doesn’t matter that they have all been dead for some time and that the humans are sporting happy pants and early 90’s hair-dos.

I won’t enter the baby pictures section. I’ll step up my game up a notch and contact the Tanya Powell modeling agency. The sooner the baby starts working the better. Nappies are expensive you know.