Day ? - 15.12.2012

I have accidentally shoplifted. Well, not so much shoplifted as shop-bullied a salesgirl into giving me a product for gratis.

Those supermarket e-mail promotions are really confusing i.e. log on and get 8 cents off each litre of petrol you buy between 8am and 9am on every second Friday. Buy a bag of apples and get a core free. Go through checkout number 2, wave your flybuys card and you can take the trolley to your car.

They are just so ambiguous.

To add to the confusion, I recently joined a supermarket survey group whereby you are occasionally given products to test. (You must publish a report on the products).

Imagine my delight when I was recently invited to taste test ice-cream.

I rushed to the nearest supermarket, eagerly grabbed a tub of the nominated ice-cream and made my way to the checkout. 

I had to pay. 

Things never go according to plan, I thought to myself. I will ask the service desk for help.

The girl behind the counter listened to my story that an e-mail had told me that I could have the product for free. She asked if I had any paperwork with me, and I said no. She returned the cost of the product ($6.50) to me and wished me well.

I returned home, checked my e-mail and was bamboozled. 

The product had a RRP of $5. 

And was 500 grams in weight. 

And was a raspberry ripple flavour. 

What I was holding was none of these!

Day 167 - 25.07.2012

I've said it before and I'll say it again.  I am inherently boring,

I have nothing of interest to say, and no time to define what I do in any kind of jovial manner.

From now on these posts will be ad hoc, as we progress towards the end of this experiment.

Day 166 - 24.07.2012

Sure I have access to the internet, and as a result all sorts of wonderful clothes.  But being at home means greater access to chocolate, Hungry Jack's, chips and cake.  This in turn leads to a greater accumulation of fat cells.  

It appears a strict diet is in order, before I throw myself into an early grave.  (Or the River Torrens, as I am too unfit to dig a hole.)

Day 165 - 23.07.2012

As many right turns, there have been wrong.

As many harsh words, there have been sweet.

Life averages 50 / 50, at it's best, at it's peak.

Day 164 - 22.07.2012

What I find weird - people who use both hands top blow their nose.  Even in bed.

I'd lose my balance and roll out.

Day 163 - 21.07.2012

Dislike - clothes that pill the first time you wash them... particularly as I have not seen a clothes de-fuzzer on the market since the 90's.

Day 162 - 20.07.2012

It's been 24 hours since I phoned a help line asking what to do about a baby that won't stop screaming.

No-one has called me back.

Day 161 - 19.07.2012

3.00pm is much like 3.00am.  It is too late for anything good to happen.

3am is the cut-off for one night stand pick-ups, as 3pm is for school pick-ups.

Day 160 - 18.07.2012

Due to a lack of babysitters (i.e. none), I now take CupCake to my appointments.  Today was physio.

I tricked her, and afterwards drove to the boon docks to do some shopping. 

CupCake arked up when it looked like I might spend too much money, and got me back to the car.  She used a special yelling technique.

I retaliated by changing her nappy in the car boot.

Day 159 - 17.07.2012

Two women are in the supermarket.  They are inspecting clothes whitener. 'Napisan' to be precise.

One woman turns to the other and says:  'This is what I use to clean my underwear'.

Then an Irishman, an Englishman and a Welshman walk into the chocolate bar area....

Day 158 - 16.07.2012

Apparently I am too efficient at putting the baby to sleep during the day, and this is why she is waking in the wee hours.  Or so a mid-wife says.

But what to do?  I can't keep a 4 and a half month old baby awake endlessly throughout the day.

I think they have it wrong.

Day 157 - 15.07.2012

I have a whole wheel of Triple Cream Brie that expires today.  Guess what's for dinner???

Day 156 - 14.07.2012

The baby rolled today - one way!  But I missed it.  She did it for Dad.

Day 155 - 13.07.2012

Busy day today.  And a screaming baby in the car.

Day 154 - 12.07.2012

I have termites. Literally.  

In a jar.

Perhaps I could turn the termites into a lucrative on-line business?

I could capture them for people to release into the home of their greatest enemy.

I'd charge $25 per ant, and people would pay.

After all, I have no competitors in the market-place.

Day 153 - 11.07.2012

Today I wonder, is there anyone who does NOT recycle gift bags?

Also, where is the best place to hide chocolate?  I feel like sneak-eating.

Day 152 - 10.07.2012

My baby was a bit of a show-off at mother's group.

She decided to blow raspberries through-out the whole session, when others had stated that their babies were not yet doing this.  (Apparently it aids them to develop speech).

As if that wasn't attention-seeking enough, whilst everyone else sat quietly, CupCake made sure everyone could see her by continually doing high-kicks in the air.

And when she had exhausted herself, CupCake entered screaming mode.  

A Diva must not be ignored!

Day 151 - 9.07.2012

I wonder if the baby pees in the bath?

Day 150 - 8.7.2012

The baby appears to be a nudist. CupCake likes nothing more than pants off time on her bunny rug.  Perhaps for her 18th birthday I could buy her an annual pass to the local nudist resort?  (I think they are called naturist parks these days.) 

I always picture naturists as bird watchers.  I am not sure why.  I suppose it allows people to perve through binoculars and still look like they are doing an alternate activity.  And I don't care what they say.  If I was a man I'd have an erection all the time at a nudist camp.  Unless of course, all the chicks were fugly.

Now you must excuse me, it appears that the baby's pelvic floor has given way.

Day 149 - 7.7.2012

Every so often I google myself.

Why?

Just in case someone has posted nude pictures of me.  

(I'd like to see what my boobs used to look like.)

But what did I find today?

Impostors!

Google says that this is me:

This is my partner (I get a choice of before and after):

That this is my sister:

This is my mother:

This is one of my close friends:

This is my Grandfather:

This is my next-door neighbour:

And that this is God:

Perhaps we are all in the witness protection programme?

Day 148 - 6.7.2012

I think the ghost has shifted home with me. 

Tonight before bed, I smelt doughnuts both inside and outside the bathroom.

To tell you the truth, I wouldn't mind a baked good about now.

Day 147 - 5.07.2012

The baby will only communicate with me via raspberries.  And they are quite juicy.

Gone are the smiles and coos.  It's hello to tongues and bubbles of spit.

Day 146 - 4.7.2012

The bathroom has suddenly developed black mould spores. But how, I thought to myself? They have never been there before. Not in 30 years have I seen them.

Then I remembered. The previous occupants had never used the shower nor bath. They did not create masses of steam.

They were sponge bathers!

Day 145 - 3.07.2012

Some people get over it, others get on with it, but most go on about it.

Day 144 - 2.07.2012

It's funny how over time you can't remember dead relatives birthdays.  I think today might be my Uncle's birthday, but I can no longer be sure.  A quick trip to the cemetery would fix this dilemma.  But how would I explain it to CupCake?  She would probably think that we were at a gardening shop. One that sells flower arrangements and feature stone walls.  And some of them are quite pretty, I wouldn't mind the one below in my front yard.

Day 143 - 1.07.2012

Why have a shop if all you sell is two tiny racks of clothing, in miniscule sizing?

Why advise by social media that you have a sale on and stock plus-sizes?  A plus-sized what?  Fascinator?

And they wonder why we all shop online thesedays.

Day 142 - 30.06.2012

I always said my Grandfather needed just a face to talk at. It doesn't matter whose. Well, he has found it in CupCake.

Today at the nursing home he did his usual monologue, facing myself and the baby. CupCake laughed, smiled and cooed through the whole visit. She was convinced that he was speaking to her. English, Italian, it didn't matter. He was happy, due to a captive, alert and interactive audience. Mind you, that same audience did have a half an hour lights out at one stage. My Grandfather was probably jealous.

Day 141 - 29.06.2012

Housewife tips:

# 1 - If you have just farted, and find guests at your door unexpectedly, tell them that you had eggs for lunch.

# 2 - If you have a sink full of dishes, tell visitors that the faucet is not working.

# 3 - If you have not vaccuumed, tell guests that you are participating in a CSIRO study on dust mite cultivation.

# 4 - If your shower is covered in soap scum, tell visitors that the cleaners did a terrible job.

# 5 - If a pet has peed on the floor, tell guests you were just about to mop with ammonia.

# 6 - If light globes have blown and you have been too lazy to change them, tell visitors you are reducing your carbon footprint.

# 7 - If you have run out of spring water, serve guests tap water masked with lemon. Or Sprite if you have no lemons. 

# 8 - If you have run out of fingerpaints, use dusty sideboards for creating art instead.

# 9 - It is OK to drink at any time, so long as you wash your wine glass before your husband gets home. 

# 10 - If none of your clocks can agree on the time, choose which suits you, even if it is set to last summer's daylight savings.

Day 140 - 28.06.2012

Is it wrong that I walk by a house I used to live in every day, and wonder who is sleeping in my bedroom?

Did they keep the green and blue wallpaper, I wonder?

Do they revel in the fact that the room always gets the most benefit from the air-conditioner?

Are they scared of monkeys under their bed like I was?

I see the ivy is still rampant out the back. Perhaps they need to clip that.

And their German Shepherd dogs are dead. Good to see. It makes my prowling around easier.

But I am curious.  What happened to the rooster on the roof? Why would they take that down?  Now I'll never know where north is ever again.

Day 139 - 27.06.2012

I have a lot of questions. 

I looked online to see what refreshments CupCake's potential primary school offers.  But the tuckshop (canteen) price list confused me. 

What can I use instead of tape or staples to secure lunch money to paper bags? 

What is an apple slinky? 

Why is recess now called first lunch? 

Did St Francis authorise the use of his name in the chicken wrap? (Especially as he was the patron saint of animals.)

 I just want a meat pie. Do I have to go to the deli to get one? The school doesn't seem to stock them.

Why do I have to pay 20 cents to bring an apple from home? And does the apple get confiscated and given to horses if I don't cough up?

Whose house does the home-made popcorn come from? And will it be warm when it gets to me?

Has there been an influx of Mexican students? Nachos appear on the menu.

How big is the large slice of pizza? Or should I order the small?

I'll e-mail my concerns to the Principal tonight.

Day 138 - 26.06.2012

First sleep in the big girl's cot today. CupCake took to it like a duck to water.

Let's hope it's not a one-off.

Day 137 - 25.06.2012

I choose my air fresheners based on the can's pictures.  For example, those of a rose, frangipane or lavender.  A familiar picture means a known scent.

I am frightened of shop keepers, so am loathe to spritz cans in the shop.

So what possessed me to buy a spray with a toilet on the cover?

It smells like it looks!

Day 136 - 24.06.2012

CupCake screamed through the entire christening.  It is not possible to watch the footage.  We couldn't even hear the Priest give us directions. And I forgot the words to the 'Our Father'.

Seven party sized pizzas set everything straight though.

Day 135 - 23.06.2012

How exciting!  Today I learnt that someone who has caused me endless, needless trouble is dead.

I raise my glass and toast this happy day - with a Farmer's Union Iced Coffee!

Day 134 - 22.06.2012

Yay.  Raspberry rum balls and chocolate racing cars are made.

Not long 'til CupCake has her first mini-party.  I wonder if she will scream?

Have decided in advance I won't be doing a big 1st birthday party.   I'm not really sure why people have them.  The baby is never aware that they are actually at their own gig. 

Plus, they don't really need presents then do they?  Or their baby teeth to fall out from sugar consumption.

I've heard of it happening - baby teeth rotting from sugar abuse.  That's a scary thought, says she who needs to have two fillings thanks to my friend Mr Nutella.

Day 133 - 21.06.2012

Being in the gutter is a good place to be.  There is only one direction in which to move.

Deciding when you are in the gutter can be tricky.  Sometimes what looks like a mansion can be a mad-house in disguise.  Open the door and stay a bit longer.  You'll see what I mean.

Day 132 - 20.06.2012

This is the second time I have come home to the baby screaming, with a wet nappy and hungry.

I'm not sure that the volunteer is capable of doing her job, which is, looking after CupCake.

Day 131 - 19.06.2012

Why is it that when people say they are open-minded, they only mean that they like to have sex with lots of people?

Why can't it mean that they are not racist or homophobic?

Why can't it mean that they embrace all religions and political points of views?

And most importantly, why can't the cat people like dogs?

Day 130 - 18.06.2012

Why is it that I never see the writing on the wall?

It always appears as a watermark to me, or in Egyptian Hieroglyphics.

I go backwards and forth in my mind over the scenario which has brought me to the wall.  I conclude that it's bad, and yet, at the faintest bit of hope, I ignore the warning signs and return to my previous position.

I need a few bricks to fall out of the wall, hit me on the head and form sentences on the ground.

I need to believe that there is not actually a choice when people sing 'should I stay or should I go now?'

Day 129 - 17.06.2012

After many years of buying children's party books, I finally have a baby to party for.

I will be spending the rest of the week pouring over these books in anticipation of CupCake's first shin-dig.

Move over fairy bread, there's a new CupCake in town!

Day 128 - 16.06.2012

Just had a flashback.

I used to be desirable.  When I was 5 years old, a boy who lived up the street called Aaron Sonny gave me all of his KISS LP's.  He really liked me. Unfortunately his mother found out and demanded them all back.

I'm glad it didn't work out.  She would have been an interfering mother-in-law.

Day 127 - 15.06.2012

Am I the only person without a computer phone?

Am I the only one that still types as if my cuticles will get jammed between the typewriter's keys at any moment?

Is it wrong to wear old maternity clothes to bed?

Fancy petrol is made by CSR, can I make my own by mixing water and sugar?

What can I buy for $1?

I want to go grey, all over. How long will this take? Should I cut my hair short first to accelerate the process?

Is it wrong that I can't remember what friends have de-friended me on Facebook?

At least I have one thing right. I started on sparkling, shifted to white and I am now looking down the barrel of a rose next.

Day 126 - 14.06.2012

I am genuinely happy that I can walk and pay my heating and cooling bills.  Is it odd that such simple things give me pleasure? 

I am also pleased to be alive.  I am in a state of flux when I think of CupCake being an orphan.  How would she cope?  How would I cope from the other side, looking down, panicking that I am unable to assist her?

I suppose taking up smoking is out of the question.

And I must give up chocolate.  My arteries are full of it.

Day 125 - 13.06.2012

Have decided to teach CupCake all that I know.

When she can speak, her elocution will be thus:

nectar-een
manda-reen
vahz
dahns
prahns
p-row-ject
trance-form

Day 124 - 12.06.2012

The old woman that comes to assist me once a week is unusual.  She doesn't change nappies or feed the baby even though these are her primary tasks.  Today she let the baby sleep for 4 hours straight.  CupCake was screaming blue murder when I got home from the dentist.

I suppose that old adage comes in to play - if you want the job done properly, do it yourself!

Good luck with CupCake sleeping tonight.

Day 123 - 11.06.2012

Bob*, the scam artist at my Grandfather's nursing home.  Take note, I am coming for you.

Where do I start with this one?

I think my Grandfather is being / about to be scammed by a visitor to his nursing home.

They seem to have invented details of themselves, such as:

* They own a $7 million dollar property in Victoria with their sister.

* They recently sold a $750K home in an exclusive suburb.

But they:

* Drive a $1500 car that broke down the day after they bought it.

* Spend all their cash on betting on horses.

* Spend all their free time at a rough pub.

* Reside in a housing trust home in a bad area.

* Have said that they want my Grandfather to be involved in a project, but have not yet said what this is.

* Have taken personal records of my Grandfather (freely given) on the premise that they are going to see a MP about my Grandfather's finances.  (What the??)

I have warned my Grandfather today, Bob will get you drunk and get you to sign documents.

You don't know Bob, you met him when he walked into your room one day, you don't know anyone that knows him.

And what did my Grandfather say?

'Bring me the title to my home'.

I have previously informed the CEO of my concerns, and will be making another call to her shortly.

* Not his real name.

This is an abridged version. I'm too cross to write.

But let it be noted, I raised concerns.

Day 122 - 10.06.2012

Apparently CupCake can sleep through multiple smoke alarms shrieking, but not me tip-toeing to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Never mind, I had insomnia anyway.  I kept thinking she was going to get SIDS and die from the bonfire we went to last night.  I presume smoke is smoke is smoke and that they all cause infants harm?

Day 121 - 9.06.2012

I like to dream of the dead.  To me they are visits, particularly if it happens during my lucid dreaming stage.

This morning I had the pleasure of seeing my Grandmother in my dream.  She was riding a bicycle and circled myself and my friends once, smiled, and rode off.  No-one else in the dream saw her, just me. I don't remember the last time I dreamt of her, this is not a common recurrence.  

I was then awakened by CupCake calling out to me.

Day 120 - 8.06.2012

Today I went to Harborsboard (my Grandpa's word) and did a spot of shopping.  This lasted 2 hours until CupCake kicked up such a stink that I was forced to crank up the radio to 11 and run three sets of red lights in order to rush home.

Of course all she wanted to do was lie on her activity mat in the lounge room.  But it was a very urgent request.  

Maybe other babies are the same, and this is why internet shopping is so popular.  Soon it will be rare to see a kid under 6 out at the shops at all. If it's too hard, why bother!

The other problem with real-life shopping is that I keep adding items to the pram each time I push my way through shop entry points, past over-stuffed racks of clothing.  I did not mean to, but today I accidentally shop lifted a XXL navy blue man's coat and a pair of cream knee-length ugg boots.  I'd give them to you, but they still have dye tags attached.  

Beep beep! 

Day 119 - 7.06.2012

The catalogue delivery man has been slack. Either he is on holidays, or he is chucking the pamphlets in the river.  I have no idea what is on special these days.

As a result, I have devised a new means of shopping in a thrifty manner.  Today is Wednesday pensioner discount day at a local supermarket.  So not only do the oldies get their specials, but they get an additional 10% off their grocery bill if they flash their old person's proof of life card. So I tailed one.

From the moment she entered the store, I followed.  

She knew where the bargains were. 

This plan worked OK, for the most part.  

I enjoyed the variety of fruit and vegetables she was getting (Granny Smith apples - ahh the irony!) but I am questioning some of my purchases.

$1.99 Chicken Maryland Drumsticks (I'm vegetarian)

$1.00 Fisherman's Friend's tablets (I'll offer them in lieu of mints)

$3.99 kilo Bung Fritz (I'll throw it at snarling dogs on the way home)

.69 cent tinned Peas (I'll give it a shake, and voila, dip!)

$2.99 Budgie seed (I'll put it in cotton balls soaked with water and grow sprouts)

$3.99 compound chocolate (I'll decorate mud pies with it)

$5.00 Brut 33 Men's Aftershave (I'll use in lieu of my Veet hair remover cream)

$6.00 Gaviscon antacid (I'll use it as a minty flavour base for cocktails)

I can't wait for next week's shopping excursion!

Day 118 - 6.06.2012

I am in love with a black Mexican.  I have been for several years.  He wears a large sombrero and is sometimes seen sitting under a palm tree, or with his donkey.  I have admired him from afar for so long.

Today I bit the bullet and made my desires known.  I have sent word to his family that I am interested.  I will pay top dollar for my Mexican man.  I have also sent an e-mail to his agent.  Now, I sit by the phone and wait for his call.

Estoy locamente enamorada!

Day 117 - 5.06.2012

I have phoned the cleaning company this morning for advice. I am scared that the cleaner is going to do a crap job again today. 

Unfortunately, I don't know how to be pro-active and tell someone that they are crap without directly saying 'you're crap'.  

I lack the skill base to use fluffy words to make 'you're crap' sound better.  Aside from that, people misinterpret and think you don't really mean it if you use niceties when you are telling them off.  Then they do the same thing again and you are stuck being frustrated.  This doesn't just go for cleaners, or people you work with, it applies to any human that you have constant contact with. They need to be trained and led, but I don't know how.  I may as well get the scrubbing brush ready, because as soon as 'Cherie' leaves, I'll be re-cleaning the shower!

Post-script: so instead of phoning me the owner of the cleaning agency called the cleaner.  While she was here.  To say that I had complained.  The owner had not clarified with me what the problem was (I had left a message with the receptionist for the owner to call me).  So the cleaner confronted me.  She doesn't get down on her hands and knees to scrub.

Okay........................!

Day 116 - 4.06.2012

Liars can be wildly entertaining people.  They can tell a story or a joke like no other.  They can come up with an excuse to get you out of going to your boss' birthday lunch (that sounds plausible).  But what happens when you no longer believe a single thing that they say?  Perhaps it is wise to suggest a new career path to them, selling fantasy. Opportunities lie in the following fields: insurance agents, dream catcher makers, actors or prostitutes. 

Day 115 - 03.06.2012

It's Sunday night.  I can't be bothered cooking.  I have also eaten every high-carb food known to woman in the past 24 hours.  Perhaps it's time for a freezer combo meal.  Frozen green soy beans with lime pulp ice cubes and tomato passata anyone?  

Day 114 - 2.06.2012

I am locked out of the toilet.  This is OK for me, as I am still measuring my pee in a jug anyway.  What makes me cross is that we paid a locksmith $200 to disengage the lock two years ago.  Clearly he didn't do it, the scam artist!

So what happened next?

Mr Sponge took the door handle off, and I explained how to kill a lock.  Job done. 

PS - I'll find out who the locksmith was and let you know.

Day 113 - 1.06.2012

Coincidence.

My volunteer (yes I have one now) was next door neighbour's with my Aunt.
My nurse's boss is a friend's husband.
And my cousin is updating the volunteer's electrical work at her home.

Time to move I say!

Day 112 - 31.05.2012

Damn you Target and your one day snap sales!

Damn you 50% off decor plastic containers, 50% off Bonds underwear, 50% off 1000 thread count Egyptian sheet sets.  Go to hell you 40% off baby wear, 45% off shoes and 50% off tracksuits.  You are all so tempting.

Why did I ever sign up to receive the bonus offers sent to my in-box daily?

Oh now I remember.  So I can return the items when they go back to being full price and make a profit.

Day 111 - 30.05.2012

You know it's cold when:

1. You can chew your nutella
2. Your clothes washing is wetter in the morning than when you hung it at night
3. You don't bother to go to the toilet in the middle of the night (an adult nappy will do!)
4. Your goldfish freeze to death in their bowl
5. You make 'snow angels' by lying on frosty grass
6. You will only eat raspberry icy poles once they are melted, as soup
7. You cuddle the baby at night for extra warmth
8. You consider entering a polygamous relationship for extra warmth at night
9. You light every globe in the house to give a sense of warmth
10. You develop arthritis in your hands from hand washing your delicates in cold water

Day 110 - 29.05.2012

Plants are the new pets.  There are super foods for them (forget the 1970's blood and bone, these days they eat golden pellets of protein) and a countless number of books dedicated to their nurture.  

I have one friend that waters her rose bushes with Evian water.  Tap water is just not good enough.  This same person also uses a leaf shine every four weeks, to make sure her bromeliads sparkle.  And don't think about going around there with a cold. You'll be turned away in case the fern obtains an infection.

What worries me about plant companionship is that avid owners like to give away their produce.  I have an Aunt that likes nothing more than to give me cuttings of her latest Carnation breed. What I do like is when this gift arrives during the fortnight when the green waste bin hits the kerb.  If I have to wait the whole two weeks before I can throw the greenery away, I get too guilty, keep it, and inadvertently starve it to death. I just forget to water it.  

Even though it's staring straight at me on the kitchen counter.  

Every morning.  

And I have not spent one night away from home in over a year.

Unfortunately plants are the new Christmas day gifts.  Puppies and kittens have long ceased to jump out of big-ribboned boxes.  I blame the RSPCA and their animal cruelty campaigns for the increase in plant gifts.  But who in their right mind gives someone a potted Elm Tree?  Luckily garage sales are popular in my suburb. I generally sneak by one on a Saturday morning and dump my unwanted flora in the back of an unattended trailer. 

But I hear that there is worse to come.  I read in the local paper that there are plans for a Pot Plant Day Care Centre. Apparently over-eager owners simply can't bear to leave their miniature citrus trees outdoors over winter.  They must have run out of carer's leave.

Day 109 - 28.05.2012

I'm onto my third physiotherapist.  They are like General Practitioners.  You can stick with one, but why when there are so many to try?  That would be the equivalent of me going to an all you can eat smorgasbord and only having the hokkien noodles.  In life I want the chocolate mousse and a mini bread roll too please!

The new physio asked me today if CupCake looked like her father, as she was so cute. I tried not to take offence.  Luckily the pregnancy hormones have long worn off or I might have clocked her one (of Flava Flav's).

She wants me to measure my pee for three days.  I have to measure incoming as well as outgoing.  I also have to detail what I am drinking.  I have decided to lie and re-name wine 'cordial' and spirits 'gatorade'. 
 

But I have bigger problems than her knowing my daily alcohol intake. When baking a cake, the glass Pyrex measuring jug will never look the same to me.  

Day 108 - 27.05.2012

Is it worrying when the only piece of advice an ageing Grandfather can give you is:

'When the babies have hiccoughs, their heart grows'?

What about the fact that he believed a carer when they asked if Father Christmas was his brother.  He answered in all earnest 'But I never had a brother!'.

Age catched up with us all.  For many of us, by the time we hit 30 we have developed behavioural patterns that cannot be altered or reversed.  We become victims of repeat behaviour.  They say we come back to earth until we learn our life's lesson.  

But what is my lesson?  Perhaps it is when the babies have hiccoughs, their heart grows.  After all, I would never have worked that one out for myself.

Day 107 - 26.05.2012

Went to my birthday party today.  Due to CupCake it was held at 3pm.  Due to love of alcohol, it was held at a pub.  And I drank Diet Coke.  

Unfortunately, I had made the grave error of wearing a black t-shirt with a white print on the stomach area.  I looked 5 months pregnant - again!  Tomorrow, I have a lot of photo cropping & t-shirt dyeing to do.  In the meantime, I will stare in awe at daylight pictures of my friends.

It's a rarity!

Day 106 - 25.05.2012

I am getting frustrated.  In this house, every time I stretch, I hit a chandelier.  Clang clang clang the pieces of crystal and glass go.  And the heavy fittings threaten to leave the ceiling altogether every time I shake my bed's quilt.  But what can I do?  No-body likes the feathers to fall at the bottom of the duvet.  Perhaps I need to lift the ceilings.

Day 105 - 24.05.2012

Phew - now that I've shaken my audience, I can get on with the business of living.

Heard a familiar sound today. It was of bells clanging in the street. My grandparents used to tell me it was a man on his bicycle selling fruit and vegetables.  I believed this until my 20's.

It is the Home Ice cream Van!

Liars.

Day 104 - 23.05.2012

This blog has become boring.  It was supposed to be entertaining, but has turned into a diary log of grumbles.

Before I send my readers and myself reaching for the remote control, I will pull the ping.  From now on, I will blog intermittently, and only when I have something interesting to say.

Enough with the daily whine!

Day 103 - 22.05.2012

I love that I live in a capital city where you can book a table at a restaurant using your first name only.  And this still applies, even if you have a generic name like Paul, Ann or Mary.

I'm going to attempt going out to lunch on Friday.  I have created a list of this town's most noisiest restaurants and will visit them over the next year.  They are the kind of places where you can lip-read what the person next to you is saying, and in turn you hand them a written response. Nightclubs for adults I call them.  The food is usually bad, but nobody can hear you complain. Bonus points are scored if the venue has carpeting, especially if it's on the walls. But this is difficult to find post-1978.

Day 102 - 21.05.2012

So today a nurse tells me that the sick child at last weeks' mother's group is not sick. She phones to tell me this.  How informative, I think to myself.  She goes on to say that there is something else wrong with the kid and stated that the facilitator had told me this on the day.  The nurse went on to tell me that I should know what the child had.

I said I am sorry, I do not have a medical background.  I do not know what the child has, nor did anyone stipulate that the kid had some kind of non-catchy disease.

The nurse also tried to come over today, with a cold. My messages are not getting through, nor am I understanding why she is so argumentative. She is supposed to be helping me, not being aggressive.

Perhaps I will move. Might be the only way to shake her from my tail.

Day 101 - 20.05.2012

Not much to report today, other than I cut my toe nails... for the first time since the start of April.  My feet were beginning to resemble those of someone in the Guiness Book of World Records.  

Join me next week when I remove old polish!

Day 100 - 19.05.2012

I just participated in a survey on Christmas cake and lollies.  I lied and said that I would buy them all.  I am hoping to be sent some free mince pies (that I would also not eat).

In other news, I went and got my eyebrows plucked today (I don't wax them as I am such a fragile thing, all of my skin comes off with the wax).  Upon leaving the waxer said to me 'You have lost weight since I last saw you'.   I looked at her as if she was mental and said 'I was pregnant last time you saw me'!   She then hurriedly made some follow up comment about my face appearing thinner....

Day 99 - 18.05.2012

Efficiency is bringing in the bin straight after you hear the rubbish men swing past.  To further save on time, today I brought both the general waste and green waste bins in at the same time. Each arm yanked a bin.  Job done, I thought to myself.

Several hours later I heard the bin men come around again. Oh no!! It turned out that I still had a bin full of dirty nappies! I did not check if BOTH bins were empty when I brought them in. Hello maggot breeding ground. Time to set the bin on fire I say.

Further efficiencies today involved me going for a walk to get the bowels moving. I was in need of a good fart. After a few steps, I felt the urge to go. Oh this is going to be a cracker, I thought to myself. POP POP POP POP I went. 

I was in a quiet suburban street, with no traffic. Big mistake. Several retirees lifted their heads from beneath rose bushes and stared at me, horrified at the commoner strolling past. Note to self, take different route or wear i-pod next time. If I can't hear it, neither can they.

The day didn't improve. On my return home, I shook my coffee cup vigorously, throwing brown water every which way. And I drank from the baby's bottle. It does not pay to be ambidextrous sometimes.

But the big mystery of today is, why do so many people have their blinds drawn during the day?

I have several theories. They might be shift workers, drug houses or vampires.

But more than likely, they are silverfish breeders. That's better that than a pigeon fancier I say!

Day 98 - 17.05.2012

Today my physio taught me how to poo.

Did you know it involves heels facing up, a forward leaning position and making the sound 'ha!' 

Well it does.

So tomorrow morning, if you walk past my bathroom window, expect to hear me laughing 'ha ha ha ha ha', and the sound of poo hitting water.  Either that or me face planting onto the bathroom tiles whilst giggling all the way.

HA!

Day 97 - 16.05.2012

Join a baby group, they said.  So I waited.  It was three months before my name was called.

The big day arrived, and CupCake was running to 'baby time'.  I didn't hurry her along, and we arrived 5 minutes late.

All of the mothers in the group were seated on the floor when I arrived.  Not good for my posture, I thought.  They had all brought baby mats. I did not. I had presumed that the babies would be in prams and we would be seated at a table.  Wrong.

They had saved me a seat next to someone whose baby was coughing so loudly, it barked.  I blinked, thinked and fled.  I made my apologies to the facilitator, and quietly stated that I could not sit next to a sick baby.  The mother of said baby arked up and loudly said 'I've been to the doctor and he is not contagious!'   I mumbled that I am a protective parent and left.  The group started to talk loudly amongst themselves.

I don't think I am welcome back, as later in the day a nurse said that she did not think that the group was for me. We have, in effect, been evicted from a Government-run baby group.

Personally I feel that the sick baby should not have been allowed to attend the session.  It was very selfish of the parent to turn up and subject others to potential illness.  But some people only think of themselves.  She probably wanted to make new friends, at any cost.

So what to do?  Shall I turn up next week and stage a similar walkout???

Wait and see!

Day 96 - 15.05.2012

You know it's a bad day when the baby has weed its outfit, and mother hen has also had an accident.  Poor CupCake's butt is too big for the newborn nappies.. 

Mother Hen's incident involved part of her dressing gown entering the toilet when she was doing a number two.  Mother Hen stood up, not realising, and wondered why she had nutella on her leg.  

Thank God she wasn't hungry.....

Day 95 - 14.05.2012

Go to 'Day Service' they said.  You will be watched all day by a trained midwife. They will assess how you respond to your baby's cues. They will watch what you do over the course of a day. You must be there at 9am. 

OK I said, feeling pressured.

Baby did not wake up until 9am.  I had been up since 6, just in case. We rush and arrive at the centre at 9.45am.  They decide that they cannot see me until 10.15am.  We go for a walk.

I had been told to bring EVERYTHING I needed for the day.  The car is packed to the brim with rockers, mats, clothes, food, toys.  I look like I am moving house.  Or deserting my husband.  

'Oh there must have been a misunderstanding' they say when I ask for assistance with  getting items out of my car.

Everywhere I look, I see signs that say 'QUIET!  SLEEPING BABY'. I immediately know that this is not for me. I do not want to be at a daytime sleep school! The nurse comes out and assures me that it is not this, so we book in.

Bloody bullshit!  First chance they get they are putting CupCake to sleep and telling me to shoosh.  We weren't allowed to play, or talk.  We are allowed to have lunch, then it's back to sleep again.  Except CupCake won't sleep. Each time she rests, madly sucking her dummy, with eyes shut if you are lucky.  

The nurse continues to rock the crib in a Parkinsons-like fashion.  She tells me off for giving the baby eye contact or for talking. I tell her that I don't rock my baby to sleep nor do I have her in a dark room during the day. I tell her that I will not be replicating this at home and that any issues the baby has are due to her reflux.

The nurse insists that the baby has sleep issues. I ask how many hours a day a 10 week old should sleep for. She guards the document which details this with her arm.  This reminds me of an 8 year old undertaking a spelling test. 

13.5 hours she says, rocking the cot more furiously. She gets close to that, I say, and I am not replicating what you are doing when I get home.

I am bored out of my mind, and so is CupCake.  After 5 long hours I feign a headache and we go home to play. As my Grandfather said 'they are just trying to justify their own jobs (by inventing that something is wrong with me)'.

Day 94 - 13.05.2012

Let's have a dinner party I said. It will be no trouble at all.  We will be at home, and if the baby arks up, we will be able to put her to bed.  I'll be able to have a few wines and get merry.

WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!

CupCake decided to start screaming from the moment visitors first arrived, and did not stop until a couple of them left. There were never more than 50% of attendees at the dinner table at one time, and two people left in frustration before dessert was served. I was unable to keep a conversational thread alive, as the baby had become hysterical and inconsolable.

Lasagna went cold and cool drinks warm.

Will I do it again?  Sure when baby turns 10!

Day 93 - 12.05.2012

It does not pay to be polite.

Picture this: I am grappling with a 5 kilo baby in one arm, and a full shopping basket in another. I am in a queue. A lady opens a new checkout just for me, as she wants to have a peek at the 9 week old baby.

I politely ask the man in front of me 'Do you want to go first?'  It is clear I am about to drop the bundle.

He says yes!! And rushes towards the check out. My fault for asking what should have been a question that received a 'no' answer.

As he was not born here (this was not clear until he spoke), perhaps he does not understand what is culturally acceptable.  Perhaps I had better review the naturalisation class curriculum.  An amendment is due. Rule number one: ladies first!  Especially if holding a baby.

Day 92 - 11.05.2012

The baby stares at a specific spot on in the lounge room when I am holding her.  

And coos.  

And smiles.  

I am convinced she is communicating with the dead.

I was told during the week that she is seeing my Grandmother singing to her and I am starting to believe it. 

Alas, if only the dead could come and sing to her when she is screaming at me for food!

Or change her nappy.

Day 91 - 10.5.2012

For the rest of the night I will have to watch the SBS tv channel & read sub-titles. Why? Because I can't hear a thing. I am now deaf thanks to a colicky baby screaming in my ears!

I used to think that the night clubs I went to were loud. If my ears rung upon leaving, I knew I'd had a good night. And if they were still ringing in the morning, I knew I'd stayed out a little bit too late.

But this is different. Babies should not leave you with a disability. 

Tomorrow I will go to Mitre 10 and buy a pair of ear plugs. In the meantime, out of desperation, I will use a couple of tampons. 

Day 90 - 9.5.2012

I know who I should be hiring to do my odd jobs - pensioners!

On my walk today I saw an incredible amount of retirees doing tasks that I deem to be boring, or unnecessary.

In their spare time, the over-50's are:

1. Pulling weeds out of the Council's verge.

2. Up on ladders washing windows so high they can't even see out of them.

3. Blackening the tyres of their Toyota Crown's.

4. Painting the outside of their fence (that backs onto a park).

5. Removing millipedes from the outside walls of their home (and throwing them onto the street).

6. Sculpting shrubs into cones.

7. Re-positioning their mailboxes (because they can't see out of their rear view mirror anymore).

8. Putting up lights in time for Christmas (it's May).

9. Hosing down their driveways (water ban season has lifted).

10. Chopping down non-fruiting trees (presumably for fire wood).

 I can't even manage to make a sandwich on a good day!

Day 89 - 8.5.2012

I decided to walk to my local Target. This is some distance away by car, as you have to go around the river and over a bridge. It is also impossible to walk it 'as the crow flies'. So I weaved my way through suburbia, pram in hand.

It only took me 20 minutes to get from my front door to the Target entrance.

I wandered around, bought some groceries, went to the chemist and newsagent. With each step I loaded the pram up a little more.

I then walked into Target proper and as CupCake vomits incessantly, decided to buy Mr Sponge some extra clothes. Unsure of size or preference, I picked up several kilos worth. 

At the checkout I realised that a bag was useless, as I did not have a car nor handles to hang the items from (there is no under carriage to this pram). So I unpacked each item, and laid them across the top of the pram. It looked like I was a bag lady.

Knickers and tracksuits were spilling every which way, boxes of cereal and pears peeking out from under hooded tops. Magazines shoved under the baby's bottom. We resembled an OH&S nightmare.

Twenty minutes of walking in windy conditions later, we found ourselves at home, and greeted by house cleaners who had turned up 1.5 hours early. But did not call me. 

I said 'How did you know I was coming back?' They said 'Oh we would have waited, we came early as we have another job across town later'.  Augh!! I am not a fan of the drop in.

Even more surprising is their cleaning methods. I asked them to clean the top of some kitchen cupboards. They ummed and ahhed about getting up on a step-ladder, then promptly got a duster and swept all of the grit and grot all over everything in the kitchen!  

I could have done that.

It also appears that one of the people is a trainee. I can hear her (this is live blogging now) every so often going 'oh no' and 'aghh' and sighing. Excuse me Mrs, but you don't get to complain about my mess! 

They have also asked me if this is an ongoing arrangement. That is a leading question, to determine if they need bother too much with the job. So I gave a vague answer of 'I'll ask my husband'.

So I am stuck here in sweat land, as I have not yet had a shower. Nor can I make my lunch!  CupCake has the right idea - she is still fast asleep. She must be exhausted from all the calories we burnt off on our walk.

Someone bring me the nutella jar. I need to re-charge.

Day 88 - 7.5.2012

Today CupCake got her first round of immunisations, so no debate on that topic from me. 

Unless she develops a disorder.  Then I will jump on the anti-immunisation bandwagon.

Going to the hospital on Saturday night, and seeing how paranoid I get around sick children clinched the deal for me. 

Oddly, I actually had to take one of the medications home and give it to her myself as they were unable to at the clinic.  Not quite sure if that's kocher. 

Today I also saw a water rat.  It's been years since I have seen one, on account of having moved away from the river ten years ago. 

I knew it was a rat immediately - the bubbles that rise to the surface of the river are a dead giveaway. As are the swirled patterns that form in the river.  From that point, it only takes a minute or so for the tell-tale rodent to show its furry head.

This made me nostalgic, and I headed further along the river, remembering where the 'Australia chair' used to be (It was a crude chair carved from a Gum tree in the shape of Australia). It is no longer there, so I closed my eyes and imagined it instead.

Further along I admired the old Ghost Gum that once caught on fire. 

In the early 1980's my sister and I donned yellow plastic raincoats and went to watch the firemen put out the blaze (we didn't want to get wet).  It has been caused by a lightening strike - what they say about water courses and thunderstorms is very much true.

The rest of my walk was littered with thoughts of the other strollers. 

Why weren't they at work?

Day 87 - 6.5.2012

So the screaming continued and by 11.53pm on 5.5.12 we were in the car and heading to hospital.  (In the old days, I used to go out clubbing at this time).  

I was so worried as CupCake was in such pain.

We spent quite a few hours in the emergency department of a large capital city children's hospital.  I had not been in one since I was small. The staff were fantastic, and very good with kids.

So what was the outcome?

CupCake has constipation and needs to have 1 teaspoon brown sugar in 30 ml water to get her bowels moving!

We got home at 3.30am, passing through a city crawling with drunkards in short skirts.

I think I may have wasted some tax payer money last night...

Day 86 - 5.5.2012

The baby takes after me.  It is not the outdoors type.

We went to a local park today for a birthday, and CupCake spent the majority of her time there screaming.

I guess I won't be wasting Saturday afternoons at primary school netball games!

Day 85 - 4.05.2012

I have taken CupCake to the doctor's offices several times this week. 

It turns out that I am slightly over-reacting.

In the first instance, Cupcake was very stuffed up and couldn't breathe. So we rushed to the doctor's, thinking she had a terrible flu. Turns out she had milk up her nose.

In the second incident, Cupcake coughed up red 'blood'. I freaked! How did she get TB? We sped to the surgery, only to be told that she had been sucking on her red terry towelling suit, and was spitting out the remnants...

Luckily the doctor bulk-bills.

I'm starting to think that I have developed Munchausen by proxy syndrome (MBPS). This is a condition whereby illnesses or symptoms are exaggerated or invented by the primary caregiver.

Regardless, the poor mite does suffer from reflux. A friend has implied that this is not the case at all, and that the evil eye (malocchio) has been placed upon the child. He suggests that I obtain advice from a specialist in removing curses immediately. But where do I find such a person? 

According to http://my-bellavita.com/2010/07/24/calabrian-traditions-malocchio/

'All babies need extra protection, according to the Calabrese, because they are the most vulnerable of all.'

They also say that:

'You cannot truly prevent malocchio. It is all around us. Therefore, it is truly best to take precautions early:

1. Hang a bunch of skinny dried hot red pepper over your stove. They look like red horns and keep your kitchen safe.

2. Take a container of salt and sprinkle it everywhere. This is a must, from the corners of your new home so evil does not come in, to the trunk of your new car so blessings will always be with you.

3. And for added measure, just to make sure that the malocchio doesn’t find you in your dreams……….there’s the malocchio cloth, a giant piece of red material which should be placed between the floor and you, essentially between your mattress and boxspring, so that you will sleep soundly and safely.'  

Perhaps we need a holiday to Calabria. 

Day 84 - 3.05.2012

Today I got my period. So I won't be doing a Tori Spelling and getting pregnant on the first go after birth. The woman will have no pelvic floor left after baby number 4, as she did not let herself recover. I expect that Tori has whip-em-out c-sections like all the celebs do, but carrying the baby weight around for 10 months at a time can destroy a lady's internal workings.

They say that you can end up with incontinence even if you have a c-section. And old ladies at work have told me horror stories about their uterus' prolapsing in later life. One thing I never want to see is my uterus saying hello when I go to the toilet one day.

Speaking of toilets, today I did the most monstrous poo. The kind that takes six toilet flushes to send away. I will now need to use a high-powered karcher on the toilet brush as it has bits of 'brown food' stuck to it.

Of course, in all of my frantic use of the toilet brush, I sent water that resembles the Ganges all around the bathroom. Some even landed on my foot. So please excuse me while I go and have a shower in pure dettol.

Day 83 - 2.05.2012

I spent this morning convincing the home visit nurse that I am mentally well.  She stared at me so intently that I am sure she was looking not just at my aura, but also my soul.

I suppose it is comments like 'I've never had any interest in babies' that set off alarm bells for her.  So she pulled the oldest trick in the book and left something behind - a green pencil case with her measuring tape and antiseptic hand get in it  (yes I peeked).

Hours pass and lo and behold there is a knock at the door.  It is the nurse, coming to claim her property, and check up on me.  Good on her.  Due to some flatulence, the house would have smelt like poo this morning. If she had the house bugged, all that she would have heard were trumpets.  

Luckily I had the nous to air the home out after she left. 

Day 82 - 1.5.2012

It's been 8 weeks since I had the baby, and I thought that my 'baby brain' would have disappeared by now.

This afternoon I did something so incredibly stupid that I think I need to be assessed for brain shrinkage.

I went to Target to do a little browsing. 

NB - I don't buy as much there as I used to, contrary to popular belief.  If you ask me, Target seems to have gone a little too upmarket.  These days, it's like a Portmans for people who don't mind wearing ill-shaped clothing.

But I digress, whilst I shopped for baby suits (all the ones at home have vomit on them, best to keep buying new $6 ones, it's cheaper than washing), the heavens opened up.

By the time it came for me to leave, it was absolutely bucketing down! I could barely make out where I had parked the car. Of course I got soaking wet and my cereal now needs to be eaten immediately, as it has turned to mush. That's OK I thought.  I can't loiter at the shops any longer, as it will be like this for hours and the babysitter has other things to do.

So I switch on the car's ignition and Elvis springs to life (a CD, I have not named the car Elvis).  I amble out of the car park, desperately trying to see in front of me. I have not seen rain this heavy since last winter. I have my lights on and the windscreen wipers are going so fast that I am worried that they will jettison like a passenger on a dodgy roller coaster. 

It's only a few kilometres until I get home, I think to myself.  

The traffic is bumper to bumper, but surprisingly no-one is going under the speed limit, except me. They are mad! I think to myself. I have never been in fog so thick. It is at this point that I wish I was in my 1990's vehicle which has fog lights. I am panicking that someone will rear-end me at the up-coming traffic lights. 

I fiddle with the stereo as I am not fond of the track 'Don't be Cruel' as it now reminds me of Cheap Trick.

I am getting a little warm. I expect it is nerves, so I switch the air conditioning from mid-range to cool. I am almost home. 

The fog suddenly lifts.

I have been driving with a fogged up windscreen since I left the shops!!  No wonder everyone else could see where they are going!

What a flipping idiot!

Day 81 - 30.04.2012

People are always commenting on my baby.  They appear in dress shops, pop out from behind sticks of celery, or comment whilst I am choosing a dvd.  Typically they ask me if the baby is a boy or girl before launching into inane commentary. I have learnt to decipher their 'compliments'.

This is what I now hear:

'Look at that beautiful baby'

Translation: It's better looking than the mother, and that's not difficult to achieve!

'Is it a boy or a girl?'

Translation: What the fuck is that thing?

'Your baby has very chubby cheeks'

Translation: I bet it has cellulite on it's arse.

'Does she cry much?'

Translation: I hope you get one hour's sleep per night.

'What a gorgeous smile'.

Translation: Where's the teeth? She is developmentally behind!

'Did she weigh much at birth?'

Translation: You put on a lot of pregnancy weight!

'Will you have another?'

Translation: Are you having sex with your husband yet?

'Where did you get that outfit?'

Translation: I hope you didn't pay too much for that ugly pink onesie!

'Did you get many hand-me-downs from relatives?'

Translation: You look poor.

'I bet the Grandparents are proud!'

Translation: Love is blind.

'She likes to talk!'

Translation: Shut that thing up - I'm trying to eat in peace!

'Does she like going for walks?'

Translation: Can you take her for one now?

'Her hair looks blonde'

Translation: Are you the parents or was an embryo donated?

'Someone is going to fall in love with her unusual eye colour'

Translation: What a freak!

Day 80 - 29.04.2012

Today CupCake and I visited the nursing home where my Grandfather lives.

As usual, she slept through the whole experience, leading him to believe that she is a cherubic child. My theory is that she is used to hearing us wax lyrical, as she travelled to the nursing home several times a week whilst in utero. 

CupCake's listening skills do worry me. What will her first words be? I have taken to saying 'bok bok chicken' to make her burp. What if 'bok' is her first word? And is 'bok' a word? 

She may say 'Liquorland', as my Grandfather is prone to doing. Or she might be more left-field and replicate the shrill sound of the alarm clock?  Time will tell.

I go to the nursing home to receive 'Don't tell the midwives anything if you are feeling depressed - they will take your baby away' advice. I also go to give 'Don't threaten the staff with knives or they might detain you under the Mental Health Act' advice. No-one else can make my Grandfather and I stay on track.

Today I was offered a few extra pearls of wisdom. One related to child-rearing. My Grandfather stated: 'The little kids are like dogs, when you talk softly to them they listen. It doesn't work all the time - you have to have an occasional smack.' 

The other related to security. 

I questioned if my Grandfather was afraid of being broken into. He said no. When I queried why not, he said: 'Number one, I learn karate and I know how to chop, and number two, I can throw the knife'.*  

He even had actions, and pretended to chop an imaginary person in the throat.  I am worried about the knife though. His throw is not good - it is more like a drop. Therefore his own feet would be at risk if a burglar broke in. Perhaps he needs a samurai sword. That way the tip will land away from him, and may trip over an intruder.

* My Grandfather is of indeterminable ethnic descent. Choose your own accent when reading this in broken English.